In My Mind I'm Gone to Caro.lina...

South Carolina, that is!  A much deserved and anticipated vacation that we planned in January of this year. We're off to Ed.isto Island, an hour south of Charleston, SC to share a house with some friends for the week.

I'm hoping for some major relaxation since I pushed it too hard going back to work this week after fibroid surgery 10 days ago.

Enjoy the last days of summer!

Anything Can Happen If You Let It

A couple of weeks ago we took my 6 year old nephew to see Ma.ry Pop.pins - and what a treat it was!

In fact, Ma.ry Pop.pins sent me an email yesterday, which is adorable (but for some reason I can't save the middle of this which bascially wants you to go to the face.book and twi.tter pages):

I couldn't get the song "Anything Can Happen if You Let it" out of my head yesterday. And it made me sooooo happy and sooooo positive & hopeful.

The play and all its songs are so whimsical, carefree and brought me back to a time in childhood when you can truly believe that anything is possible!

Pardon my over-optimism today but I'll share it with you in the hopes of infusing some happy thoughts into your day today!

Why Does it Seem Like Everyone's Child is Turning 1 Now?

Gosh, I thought I was doing ok this week. Recovering from fibroid surgery isn't great and I'm still not back to myself. It's only been a little over a week...

It's been over 2 1/2 years of us trying to conceive with a lot of heartache throughout. And at the same time, this week, it seems like everyone is turning one. And it's painful to see.

It's painful to think that our child should at least be that age. That's how long we've been wanting him/her to be here with us. Why is it that between face.book postings and cards in the mail for birthday party invitations, I am feeling jealous... and left out. Left out of this motherhood club. Parenthood.

Yet, this week I've felt hope. I've felt hope in a way that I haven't in a really long time. And I'm scared because I've known hope before, and it's failed me each time. But I want to think this is different. I've heard of at least two people who were able to get pregnant after the removal of a fibroid.

And, God, I hope that's us too. Please let it be. I can't stand being jealous and left out anymore.

Road to Recovery

Five days is all it's taken for me to feel normal again. Unbelieveable. Can't believe they can cut me, take out a 4cm fibroid and I'm pretty ok 5 days later. Thanks be to God... or the powers of the universe!

Thursday, the day before surgery was probably the hardest. "De-toxing"  - those laxatives were NOT fun. Nor was not really being able to eat solids. I was hungry by 9:30am!

Friday went ok. The hospital was... hospitable. I only got really nervous as they were prepping me and I tried to throw up, at which time they said 'glad we did the bowel prep'. Ewww. I don't remember anything after that; they apparently gave me some 'calming' medicine.

I remember Friday being all about mor.phine and sleep... one hour at a time because they kept waking me to take my vitals.

Mor.phine was still my friend on Saturday, until they replaced it with its cousin per.co.cet. Turning over was hard, and I considered it a great feat when I went to pee for the first time, and I took a walk down the hall.

I went home Sun afternoon and haven't really needed much pain meds, luckily & gratefully. I've taken per.co.cet before going to bed to make sure I get a restful sleep but I haven't even needed much ad.vil during the day. Yay!

Thanks for all your support, thoughts, prayers and checking in on me!

Here's to positive feelings, a journey forward on this road to recovery!

ps - I also pooped today for the first time, which I'm happy about because it's supposedly a big deal :)

Recognition & Friday Freak-Out

I can't believe it! Stirrup Queens recognized me on her (300th/200th) Friday Blog Round-Up with my post on liking kids! It was almost surreal to see my blog name listed there!

I was surprised... mostly because I felt funny posting it, because it's taken me an awfully long time to even remotely feel this way. And, as I probably figured, not many people commented from the Round-up. I wouldn't have thought so, even though I was secretly hoping for a few new readers.

It's a touchy subject and most/many of us are just not there, hardly at all. One of the things we struggle with a lot is feeling happy around other people's children.

This weekend ended my 2 weekend time with kids - we had my 6 year old nephew almost the whole weekend, taking him to see Ma.ry Pop.pins at the theater and then the next day to the park & zoo. We had tons of fun with him... and we were also completely & utterly exhausted when he left. And he's a good kid.  It made me wonder what we'd be getting ourselves into when we finally do get on with our family building!

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I'm also starting to freak out about the fibroid surgery this Friday. In looking through my paperwork last night, I didn't realize that I needed to be on a liquid diet on Thursday - and take laxatives starting at 4pm - every 15 mins for 2 hours. Gross!!!!!!!!

I'm so not looking forward to this AT ALL.

Ok, now I know I have to stop being such a baby about it and I know the end result will be fine but this all stinks!

Do you have any magical advice on getting me mentally prepared for this? Any post-op must do's/do not's?? I could really use them!

Back to Liking Kids

I had to take a little breather - from being around kids, and particularly kids who are close to me: my nephews and my best friend's kid.

After our 3rd IUI in April/May in which I got pregnant for the 2nd time - and miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks for the 2nd time, I needed time.

I couldn't hear about every cute thing these kids did. I didn't want to see families at church or hear about how the nursery needs to grow. I couldn't be near parks. Baseball games with kids even made me sad.

It helped that my mom noticed and limited talk about our nephews. It helped to retreat and do my yo.ga. It helped to go on a trip with my best friend - without her kid. It helped to heal.

And I think I'm back. I've been excited to see my nephews again in the last couple of weeks. I quickly saw them Wed night, I'll be seeing them today to go to the pool and again next weekend to see Ma.ry Pop.pins.

If you haven't read Lily's book Infertile Inspiration at The Infertile Mind, please do. I've gone back and read it several times now. The statement on page 8 (if you download the book into pdf format) says:

You can impact a child's life at anytime.

That really resonates with me. I have great children in my life. I remember the adults in my childhood who made an impact. I want to be that person in children's lives who can make an impact. I'm ready to do that again.

Last night, I kept my best friend's toddler over at our place and I can't wait for him to wake up this morning. He is so cute and so much fun! We took him to the park last night, we'll take him again this morning. He makes lion noises when I ask him what his favorite animal is... (I think he really just likes the noise, not necessarily the animal!)

So, hopefully I'm back. Back to liking kids. Back to hearing what cute things they do. Back to taking them to the park or pool. Back to being the adult who can make an impact in another child's life, simply by being with them.

Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

Oh, haven't we learned the importance of this golden rule in all of our relationships? Don't jump to conclusions... give people the benefit of the doubt? Especially to those who we know love us???

So, then why is this so difficult to actually do?

I learned this week... I learned once again to extend this grace to others. And in particular, to my mother-in-law.

I've been wanting us to be closer, and I've been disappointed somewhat by her lack of communication with me about everything IF related. When I first found out about the size of my fibroid and scheduling the surgery last week, I, of course, called my mom, and then a few days later I thought, you know, I ought to let her know too, the same as I would my own mom.

So, I wrote her an email on Friday along with other news, though the biggest one was my upcoming surgery. She wrote back but did not comment at all on my surgery. That lack of communication had my wheels spinning all weekend long...

Why can't we be closer?
Why wouldn't she have mentioned anything?
Did I give her too much information?
Is she uncomfortable with me sharing too much detail?
Is she just trying to be a good mother-in-law and give me my space?

I just didn't get it. And as I questioned these things with my husband last night, the phone rang. It was her.

It was her asking if she and my father-in-law could come over and help take care of me after the surgery.

Wow. Just wow.

Why didn't I give her the benefit of the doubt? And better yet, I learned from this and I know from now on that I will. Because I know she loves me.