Thought I Was Ok...

I really thought I was ok. Or at least better. Or at the very least focused on something else.

But it seeped in... in no time.

Yesterday, I saw a mom with two cute twin toddlers and I thought I really want kids. And then this morning Where's My Stork wrote this post called I Want to be Pregnant... NOW and I felt the EXACT same way.

And then, as a blow, my sister-in-law's sister-in-law, who is relatively close to the family, announced on face.book today that she was pregnant by posting a picture of her positive test stick - the same one I took in Nov that showed I was pregnant before the miscarriage. And it bummed me out.

So, I'm really bummed out. And am reaching out, hoping by getting my feelings out there and getting your supportive words, thoughts, hugs and prayers, I'll feel better...

Awesome S*x

Yes, we had that kind of Saturday this weekend. :)

And then my mind started playing games on me... those very few times where we have s*x and I don't think about my cycle at all. And as I was basking in my awesomeness state, I thought - how cool would it be if I got pregnant the one time in a long time when I didn't actually think about it and one of the few times recently where I've been able to let go enough to have awesome s*x?

But then I started analyzing things more... and even though I'm around 2 weeks in, I think I was a few days too late.

Oh well.

Maybe it will happen one day. Where I can let go completely, enjoy myself profusely, and have a baby the way we're supposed to have babies.

Maybe.

New Lease on Life

I feel like I've been given a new lease on life.

I had my annual review at work this week and it went so well. Better than I expected. I love my job. And I feel truly blessed for it. I have a zest of life for it. That's lucky. I recognize that.

My boss gave me a much higher raise than I expected. He went to bat for me by putting in a special exception increase. I'm in HR. I manage the special increases, yet he did this as a surprise for me.

I manage HR for a growing mid-size company and my boss, the CFO (hopefully soon to be COO) and CEO see promise in me. I've delivered, no doubt, but it's nice to get back what I preach to our managers - appreciate your top performers!!

And I've been given a gift - the gift of a new opportunity. We're expanding into India and I will be managing this endeavor. Wow. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I know I'll do it. That's a good confidence kinda feeling. And I'm half Indian so this is especially meaningful to me.

Most of all, it's given me this new zest for life. I'm so incredibly excited about this. This may sound utterly crazy, but I actually don't want to get pregnant right now anymore. I know, I know. I've learned that us infertiles have little control over timing...

But I'm truly excited about this opportunity. And it's gotten my focus and attention away from the 'what if's' of growing our family. I'm excited about something else!!! For once. For once it feels like in a really long time. And that feels amazing.

I feel like God has finally shown up to give me grace through this opportunity.

Postponing Next IUI for Peace of Mind

I know a couple of weeks ago we talked about our next IUI being in May but all of last week it just sat uncomfortably with me.

All of last week, when I was at yoga, I felt drained. I felt I wasn't doing my best and I felt distracted. I felt like I just wanted the session to end and I felt like I was going to cry halfway through each time.

I realized that our decision for our next IUI in May was just too soon for me. It was causing me anxiety.

And this is a busy season at work for me (and I'm not even an accountant!) so I thought, let's revisit this in the summer. I think when we went through our miscarriage in Nov, I felt good thinking that we might need a year off and then in Feb he started wanting to know if we could try again in the spring and I just put that answer off, feeling constricted by it.

But I also keep asking myself - do I want to be in the is perpetual state of 'woe is me, I can't have a baby?' and not be doing anything about it? What's the proper balance on taking a break vs. really trying for what you want?

Has what I want changed? I've started reading some of the foster care related books I've bought that I posted here. I actually didn't start with any of these on the list and instead in ama.zon's 'here's what else you'd like' suggestions, I bought One Small Bo.at by Kathy Harrison and I just can't put it down. It's so good.

But it's also made me re-think whether I'm foster parent material. I still have some reading to do before I make that decision, but I'm not sure I have the patience, time or energy to deal with a lot of the special needs that comes from having children who have been neglected or abused. Maybe if I was a stay at home mom, but I don't know if I want that.

So, B is supportive of what I want to do. I think he just hates seeing me upset and wants to try to do something about it rather than just take a break. But I think taking a break is best for my piece of mind right now.

Blessings from my Father-in-Love

IF can be so very isolating. I find that people who know don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all, which is probably ok for some of those people not to say anything because oftentimes they can make me feel worse or uncomfortable but my father-in-love (law) has been such a blessing.

Every once in awhile he sends me emails to let me know he's praying for us. He's a pastor and will send bible verses that are helpful. He's such a blessing.

This week, he sent this:

I just finished reading my devotional this morning. As I was reading from Psalm 115, I came across verses 14 and 15 which reads, May the Lord give you children ---- you and your descendants! May you be blessed by the Lord, who made heaven and earth! (Today's English Version). As I read those two verses I prayed that God would hear your prayer for children. Also read Psalm 145 as these are words of praise to God by the Psalmist.

May you and B have a blessed day.

It just warmed my heart. To know he's praying for us. To know he thinks of us. And to be reaching out in such the perfect way. These emails have meant a lot to me. And I didn't realize how much until I got this one.

This is what I wrote back:

Thank you so much for your note. I really appreciate it. It's interesting that as we continue this struggle and challenge, how isolating it can feel, so your outreach and words mean a lot.

I've found a very supportive online community that has been tremendously helpful but the disappointment still continues and it's heart-breaking each and every time. Trying to stay positive and not let it be all-consuming too, though!
Stay warm this weekend!

Looking back at what I wrote, Im not sure I conveyed quite enough how much I appreciate him and that he's praying for us. I'll find a way.

I suspect he also really wants grandchildren :). Though he and my MIL have never put pressure on us, which is so nice. He's really B's stepfather but has been married to his mom for 20 years. He doesn't have children of his own, so maybe he understands this more than I think... and I also can't wait for us to bless him with grandchildren (however they come) because I know the role of grandfather will be different from what he's experienced as stepfather. I think the grandchildren will feel more 'his' than B and his sibling have (even though they have great relationships).

Setting the whole grandchildren thing aside, honestly, he's just such a good person at the core that I know he's genuinely praying for us, not him. And just his prayers, thoughts and outreach alone have meant the world to me. I'm truly blessed to have him in my life.

Adoption as an Option... Is He Coming Around?

I had a total breakdown last night. I had a hard time focusing most of yesterday, went to yo.ga hoping it would make me feel better but then all I wanted to do was cry. And I came home and cry.

And then I felt stupid for crying. I wish I could be stronger. I wish this didn't affect me as much. I wish I could just be happy because we have a good life. I really hate myself when I start feeling this way.

I spent a lot of time in the blogging world yesterday catching up on posts and I found one that mentioned (as I know) about how almost every month we grieve. We grieve for the lost chance. We grieve for something we didn't even have. And that really stuck with me. We are constantly grieving. And it's a kind of grief that not many others really understand. Constantly grieving. Wow. That's a lot to put on someone. On many of us.

I also called our fertility clinic yesterday to talk about IUI #3. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. We have to wait a cycle out anyway, so I have time to prepare, but I don't want to be a basket case. I really don't.

Then my husband said the most comforting words of all - 'it'll happen. we'll have a child somehow. it may be asian or haitian but we'll have one.'

And that just cracked me up. And he knows how much my heart has been on adoption. And I hadn't yet heard him say anything more immediate about it in awhile. We talk about adopting from India because we have family ties there. And he knows how much my heart ached after the Hai.ti earthquake and stories of the orphans.

I hope he's coming around. We have our first counseling session tonight too so hoping we go deeper with our family building options discussion.

New Look

I'm exploring a bit with a new look. I really like how others have different backgrounds and such and decided to give it a try myself! And I LOVE flowers so get to see them here everyday now. Hope you like them too :)