Thursday, May 13, 2010

My Long Road

I feel like this is going to be a never ending battle... or I guess a struggle that is taking way too long to resolve itself.

I started to write this earlier this week: If I'm not pregnant tomorrow, then I don't know what we'll do.

I have a 'next steps' appt w/my doc this morning. I think he'll say that he will likely want to remove a fibroid, so that means waiting once again for IUI #4. I'm not even really sure he'll want to do IUI #4. Isn't 3-4 usually the max that they recommend? We may want to get a second opinion at this point.

For the last two nights, I haven't slept between 3-5am.

What's strange in the last few days of my 2ww angst is that my boss told me yesterday that they do want to send me to India after all in July/Aug. Which actually made me elated. I really do want to go. When he told me about a month ago that I probably wouldn't go, that's kinda why I decided to do another IUI sooner... I know, we can't plan around things so much but...

So, I took a home test this morning and it was negative. And I know that that doesn't necessarily mean anything but I do think it's negative. And I'm ok. Maybe I'm ok because of India. Maybe I'm also ok because we're working through some things in counseling that I know we should probably keep working on without making 'baby-making' the be-all, end-all.

I'll get my results tomorrow but in the meantime, I can't help but think: we can do one more IUI potentially and then our next options are either IVF or adoption.

And that whole decision is overwhelming. I know, I know. 10 steps ahead but... I'm not sure where to place that $10k+ amount of money. IVF has a better likelihood but do we go with a more sure option? I don't know if I can face that decision right now. (And I know many of you have, so I'm sorry if my wallowing seems stupid right now).

It's just so unfair!!!! We should be able to procreate if we want to. I hate this. I look at myself 2 1/2 years ago with the naivete that I'd be pregnant right away - or at least within a few months. And six months later, remember starting to feel that dreaded feeling... and if I only knew then what I know now, I wish there was some way to console me back then.

And that's what I'm trying to do now. It may be another year or two ... or more. So I'm trying to look at this more as a long road rather than thinking it can or will be a short-term solution.

I just still can't believe it sometimes. 2 1/2 years. I would never have ever thought I'd be childless, pregnant-less in that much time. It feels like a slap in the face.

I just don't like feeling like my road can still potentially be that much longer...


  1. Hi friend, I too have had some sleepless nights lately--- at between 2 and 4 a.m..... that's my time to think and pray I guess... today someone told me I looked like a woman who has children--- wtf??? Anyway... I just contacted an adoption agency less than five minutes ago... gonna see how it goes... I feel like money is just going down the drain..... I wish that we could procreate naturally... but let's continue to be there for one another... I wish I could go to India... it sounds like an experience of a lifetime.. being surrounded by such beautiful people.... enjoy your trip... take lots of pics.... and maybe this will be much a much needed time away from home and all the IF issues... stay encouraged sweetie and know that I'm thinking of you.

  2. India sounds amazing. Good luck with your decision making. Something you may not have considered that is cheaper and the best of both worlds- Embryo Donation/ Adoption.

    Hope you don't need anything but this IUI!

    And don't feel bad for this- I put off the IVF decision for 2 years and regretted it. Take your time.

  3. India would be very cool! My husband was just there a couple of months ago and quite enjoyed it. I'm wondering why you say that IVF is a more sure thing than adoption? It seems like everyone who sets out to adopt ends up being able to do it, and there also seems to be more in the way of available financial help (grants, tax breaks, etc) when it comes to adoption than IVF. I'm not trying to sway a decision that you will hopefully never have to make, but I'm just curious.

  4. you are saying exactly what I think in quiet. Thank you for your post.

  5. heck, since you'll be in India, you should check out their IVF programs. I heard they are a lot cheaper than the U.S.

  6. So sorry you're in this place, I know it is so incredibly frustrating being faced with those decisions & also the frustration of things not going as planned. Thinking of you:)

  7. Seems as though a number of us have not been sleeping well. I know I haven't. Thank you for your post. You are in my thoughts.

  8. India sounds awesome!

    And I completely understand how you feel about all of this. I never thought that we'd be six years of no pill and now finally getting some answers. I thought I'd already have my 2.5 kids and be living happily ever after.

    Recently I'm starting to learn to take things one day at a time.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you the best. -hugs-

  9. Oh, I've experienced those same feelings. Never would have imagined that it would take this 2+ years and to think that the journey could still be even longer ... wow. It is a new mindset, but I think switching to a more long-term mindset has helped me these last couple months. I'll continue to be praying for you. So glad you are enjoying your job right now. Having other great things in our lives to focus on is such a blessing!