I feel like this is going to be a never ending battle... or I guess a struggle that is taking way too long to resolve itself.
I started to write this earlier this week: If I'm not pregnant tomorrow, then I don't know what we'll do.
I have a 'next steps' appt w/my doc this morning. I think he'll say that he will likely want to remove a fibroid, so that means waiting once again for IUI #4. I'm not even really sure he'll want to do IUI #4. Isn't 3-4 usually the max that they recommend? We may want to get a second opinion at this point.
For the last two nights, I haven't slept between 3-5am.
What's strange in the last few days of my 2ww angst is that my boss told me yesterday that they do want to send me to India after all in July/Aug. Which actually made me elated. I really do want to go. When he told me about a month ago that I probably wouldn't go, that's kinda why I decided to do another IUI sooner... I know, we can't plan around things so much but...
So, I took a home test this morning and it was negative. And I know that that doesn't necessarily mean anything but I do think it's negative. And I'm ok. Maybe I'm ok because of India. Maybe I'm also ok because we're working through some things in counseling that I know we should probably keep working on without making 'baby-making' the be-all, end-all.
I'll get my results tomorrow but in the meantime, I can't help but think: we can do one more IUI potentially and then our next options are either IVF or adoption.
And that whole decision is overwhelming. I know, I know. 10 steps ahead but... I'm not sure where to place that $10k+ amount of money. IVF has a better likelihood but do we go with a more sure option? I don't know if I can face that decision right now. (And I know many of you have, so I'm sorry if my wallowing seems stupid right now).
It's just so unfair!!!! We should be able to procreate if we want to. I hate this. I look at myself 2 1/2 years ago with the naivete that I'd be pregnant right away - or at least within a few months. And six months later, remember starting to feel that dreaded feeling... and if I only knew then what I know now, I wish there was some way to console me back then.
And that's what I'm trying to do now. It may be another year or two ... or more. So I'm trying to look at this more as a long road rather than thinking it can or will be a short-term solution.
I just still can't believe it sometimes. 2 1/2 years. I would never have ever thought I'd be childless, pregnant-less in that much time. It feels like a slap in the face.
I just don't like feeling like my road can still potentially be that much longer...
1 month ago