Which is why I'm grateful to Stirrup Queens for being such a huge voice for us and for creating the What IF Project. And I'm grateful to an organization like Resolve so that we, and others, have a place to go to for information on infertility and for creating National Infertility Awareness Week.
My What If in my infertility struggles is this:
What if I were able to conceive only to have a special needs child?
What if I put so much effo/rt into having this miracle appear that has been so hard for us and... I mess up
What if it's special needs and I can't handle it?
What if I went through all of this to create something imperfect?
I'm not knocking special needs children and I'm sure I would love it regardless, and I have no idea what that whole world is all about (so I don't mean to offend, honestly).
I'm scared. I'm scared that there may be a reason we're like this - childless. I'm scared that God may be saying 'adopt rather than trying to create if you can't create'...
And to flip this...
What if everything turned out ok?
What if we had the baby(ies) of our dreams?
What if we lived happily ever after?
What if I worried for nothing?
What if I could look back on this and told myself that this was just a slice in time?
This was extremely difficult to write, as I'm sure the ones you wrote were for you. Please... no judgments. I just wanted to be able to contribute to the project. I felt it was the least I could do for our larger community.
I love this post... I love it because I've wondered many of the same things... I work at a facility which houses mentally and physically handicapped/ill adults and I couldn't imagine having one... without saying too much.... I know exactly what you mean and I guess that's why a part of this whole IF thing has given me strength to know that God really does know what's best... and He know who can handle what... and I have to trust that this is all for some good... although I do still hope that you and I and others have our babies... healthy babies:)
ReplyDeletethank you so much for being brave and honest in writing this post...
ReplyDeleteIt was very brave to put your fears and hopes out there like that.
ReplyDeleteI think these are the same fears that eveyone has. "What if we go through all of this, and it doesn't turn out how we plan." I know I've thought it 100 times.
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