Operation: Get My Body Back!

I'm officially inspired to get my body back. And of course I say this at the start of the busiest week of the year for us - our annual Company Day is this Friday and I'm responsible for all the activities, presentations, etc. Yes, stressful week...

So, Operation: Get My Body Back may have to officially start Mon, June 7 :)

But this week I commit to: writing down what I eat each day, making sound decisions and exercising 2x before Friday.

I took about a month off of exercise and kinda 'let myself go' a bit... and packed on a couple/few more lbs.

This past December, I joined Wei.ght Wat.chers (which I had done 8 years ago with success) and dedicated myself to bik.ram yoga... and by Easter, I was down to 3 lbs to goal weight. Yes!

Easter took a few weeks to recover from... and then we went straight into a cycle, so pumped up with drugs made me take a couple of more steps back. I think I'm somewhere around 5-6 lbs to goal weight now. I think I can do it this summer, I really do.

And... I had Hannah at I Will be a Mom Someday inspiring me with her post last week - Losing my Pre-Pregnancy Weight. I love how she starts by saying "If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be skinny."

Hannah emailed me last week and turned out we had the same few lbs to lose, so while I believe she may be a few steps ahead of me, we are positively going to motivate each other to get there. It was so encouraging to get that note from her!

Anyone else want to join in?

If so, state your intentions for the week and then report back on how you did! Make them realistic yet a little out of your comfort zone. Yes, you can do it!!

Thank You

You all are the best! Your support this week has meant the absolute world to me. It kept me going. I just find this community absolutely incredible when it comes to support, understanding and doling out love.

For those who regularly follow me, thank you for weeping along with me this week. And for those new to me, thank you for coming over to give me support during this time.

Thank you to whoever put my news on Lost and Found and Connections Abound. I got so much love from this.

The Infertile Mind wrote the sweetest post this week on Reflections on Miscarriages, mostly about me and how her own thoughts on miscarriage ebb and flow in her life. It's so powerful. She has an amazing way with words where you just feel her love oozing through. It felt like a gigantic amazing hug!

Determined to Have Joy wrote a post this week called Life.  We've grown close through this blogging world so I can't help but see hints of what I went through this week in a bit of her post. I've added it as part of My Favorite Posts on the right. I just love what she says! Thank you!!

I am just so grateful to all of you and for our community. My heart is just bursting with love for you all. Thank you, thank you for being there for me this week.

I'm doing much better. I really went into this not as hopeful so the actual pregnancy was a nice surprise and while it hit me hard with the miscarriage news, I'm rebounding better than I did last time.

I'm sore from yo.ga but glad to have bought my 3 month summer pass. I'm glad to be back on my bike ride to work. I'm glad to be going to India for work this summer without worry. I'll be glad to put the running shoes back on.

And I'm glad for this long weekend. We're off to Atlanta for a close friend's wedding. I hope I can be in a 'happy enough place' to enjoy the happy event and put on the happy face. And hope to enjoy some quality time with my husband.

Hope you all have a great long weekend whether you're going somewhere, relaxing, bbq'ing or whatever! :)

Yesterday

First of all, THANK YOU all so, so incredibly much for all your outreach so far. It's been truly amazing and has kept me going. I tell you, there's just nothing like our community. It really pulls us through. I cannot tell you how much it helped to keep seeing messages come in...

Especially after my afternoon. After I wrote my update and had talked to my husband, I called my mom. Big mistake. In fact, I've learned a huge lesson to not tell her next time we're going through treatment.

I was more or less ok & dealing, particularly after I talked with my husband, but then she had the nerve to say to me "maybe you walked too much" and "maybe you should have gone to the hospital right away". Ohhhhhhh, I wasn't going to take that.

I said, "this is not my fault. There is nothing I did or didn't do to cause this and I can't believe you're saying this to me when I'm in enough pain already." We just got off the phone. I called my dad at work and explained. He said he'd talk to her and he even urged me not to tell her next time we do this because he recognizes she can say insensitive things...

So, I left work... and left a big project that I couldn't concentrate on and feel badly that I didn't get it to my boss and just walked around the block and sat down and cried outside.

She called back later to apologize and by then I was more or less ok, BUT then she starts crying saying "I feel like I've lost a grandchild today." Goodness sakes!!! This isn't about you - it's about me. I'm sorry, but it just is. That's what I wanted to say but she was in pain and I wasn't going to cause her more pain. I just know I won't tell her anything the next time we do this. I've learned my lesson big time.

This whole thing with my mom is really too bad and ironic, actually. Here I am, wanting kids so badly and here she is saying all the wrong things to her child in pain. I just don't get it. I really hope that when we have children, I don't cause this type of added pain to them when they're going through something hard.

Onto next steps: fibroid surgery sometime this summer & try again this fall hopefully.

Until then, I wish I could just take some time off but I need to get through these busy projects at work and we're going to Atlanta for a wedding this weekend... and I wish we weren't going. I really just want to wallow for now. But I can't.

Immediate next step: excited to have bought a 3 month unlimited summer pass to my beloved bik.ram yo.ga studio. It helped me during my last miscarriage. I think it will help again.

Thanks again for your love, support and kindness. I give you all (((hugs))) back!

Update

We are miscarrying. My hCG dropped to 139 yesterday.

I'm crying and can't write anymore.

Miscarriages on TV These Days

Anyone watch the season finale to Gr.ey's Ana.tomy last week? How about this past Sunday's Ar.my Wi.ves?

If you've DVR'd them and haven't watched yet, don't read on until you have or I'll ruin it for you... well, I guess I may have already with my title.

Not the right time for me to be watching these, I'll tell you. It was water works galore for me. Both Meredith and Roxy experienced miscarriages in these episodes though Meredith's was a bit unbelieveable (though what exactly on Gr.ey's Ana.tomy is believeable???).

On the one hand, they were really sad for me and I really did cry... on the other hand, it was nice to see, in particular with Ar.my Wi.ves, and how it was handled with Roxy portraying it even if it was almost a little too much Mar.ley & Me with the dog cuddling up to her and all.

But I could completely relate. She was down. Couldn't really talk about it. Was in a complete funk. All of that.

I'm sure many of us can relate to it. I completely did.  Especially knowing that I'm on somewhat of a brink of experiencing this again right now. Should know later today what my hCG is...

Having a Scare

There was blood in the toilet last night. I started freaking out.

Then I called my best friend and started reading my book. It seems like some bleeding may be ok, especially if it's a lighter pink/red (which mine was)... what worried me was the bit sitting at the bottom of the toilet. I would understand if I were 'spotting' but some blood in the toilet? That seems more than spotting to me.

AND add to my worry that I feel like I'm just not supposed to be pregnant or it's not supposed to be this easy and I start thinking that maybe this wasn't supposed to happen for us after all.

I called my doc and they got me in this morning. He couldn't tell anything yet from the ultrasound - so said that it could be nothing but that it could also be an early miscarriage. They got bloodwork and will get the results tomorrow - let's hope my number has quadrupled since Friday - that will be a really good sign.

Ugh. I hate limbo-land.

Welcome May ICLW!

I love this week of ICLW-the blogger 'love' fest :)

If you're new, thanks for dropping by and hope I get to meet a few new people this week! And if you're a faithful friend & follower - thank you for your continued support & friendship. It's meant the world to me!

My quick story: ttc for 2 1/2 years. Had a miscarriage last fall after IUI #2. Fell despondent. Just tried IUI #3 spontaneously and results so far are positive! hCG today was 577 - almost double from Wed (303)! Woohoo!! Ultrasound next Friday at the 6 week mark!

I continue to pray for my TTCers... Happy ICLW!

Yay! More Good Results!

hCG is 303. Up from 132 from Monday. I can hardly believe it. I never got over 200 last time. So, it's looking good...

In fact, I need to confirm but don't think they want me coming back for bloodwork Friday (which I actually really want to do - you know, peace of mind). Instead, they want me to come next Thurs for an ultrasound - at 6 weeks.

So, yay! It's a really nice feeling but I'm also walking around just dumbfounded by all of this. It isn't supposed to happen... and yet somehow it is.  I know it's still a long road so I'm not going off the deep end being excited but, for now at least, yay!

Capt Su.lly's Book & Infertility

Remember Captain Su.lly who landed the plane in the Hudson River and was commended for bringing everyone aboard to safety? He published a book last year called High.est Duty.

I haven't read it but my father-in-law has. He knows about our struggles, and  I've written about him before about his compassion to us in my Blessing from my Father in Love post.

Well, father in love has once again reached out to let me know how much "Su.lly's" infertility struggles touched him because of what we're going through. He says:

I have the pages from Sully's book for you. Chapter 5 (pg. 66) is entitled "The Gift of Girls." It tells of meeting his wife and much of their lives together. However, the births of their daughters begins at the bottom of page 78 and goes through the end of the chapter Pg. 86. It is really touching and very emotional to me. Hope you enjoy it.

Well, I just so happened to be in an airport this weekend and picked it up while I was waiting for my flight and read those pages he picked out for me.

I was touched by it. I was touched by Su.lly's struggle, by the lack of science available to he and his wife at the time compared to us, by the amazing gift they were given of adoption.

If you get a chance to read these pages, I'm sure you'll appreciate it as much as I did... and you can thank my father-in-love for passing it on!

My hCG today has more than doubled!

It's still low, but 132 today where as it was a mere 15 on Thursday. So, really I was expecting about 60 today. So, that's a little more hopeful than I had been all weekend.

St. Petersburg, FL was awesome and so good to get away. And just in case this pregnancy takes I really didn't drink or anything... and enjoyed the nice weather under some umbrellas :)

Thanks for all the well wishes. I go in again on Wed and again on Friday. Fingers crossed!!

Results are... Very Low

Greetings from FL! We've been enjoying our day mostly poolside enjoying the gorgeous weather and some alone-time.

I also wanted to share my results from this afternoon: my hCG level is 15. So, so low. I took my test 1 day early so they say that might be why but also went through the whole - many tests that come out this low don't turn into a viable pregnancy. I said, I know, this is what happened last time, only then my level was 50 on the first test and I think I took it a day early then too.

So... I'm ok. Honestly. I'll be fine either way, I'm pretty sure. I'm very excited and focused on work with my boss having told me yesterday that if I take on these couple of big projects he wants to promote me to the senior leadership team before the end of the year. That was HUGE. Having dealt with the uncertainty of being able to start a family, I've really thrown myself into my job & career... so I was very happy about that.

So, there you have it. More of an update on Monday when I test again but sounds like this may be a couple of weeks yet before we may know about viable pregnancy or not. In the meantime, I'm enjoying FL and will think about India!

And thanks for your continued & amazing support and love!! big (((hugs)))

Cou.ples Re.treat!

We are Florida-bound this morning, St. Petersburg to be specific, and hoping this will be a fun & much needed "cou.ples re.treat" for us.

Speaking of... last weekend I saw Cou.ples Re.treat the movie. Have any of you seen it yet? Someone, I can't remember who, awhile back mentioned there was an infertility theme in it, which drew me to watching it but I also wanted to pick the right time to watch it. Plus, I have a thing for Vin.ce Vau.ghn, which is weird in in of itself anyway.

A month ago, I had also watched Did you He.ar Ab.out The Mor.gans? which also deals with infertility.

Having watched these two relatively close together, it gave me hope that at least the message it getting out there. We've all heard that 1 in 8 couples struggle with this, so it's about time it starts getting into mainstream media. I'm sure it's comforting to us to hear about Sarah Jess.ica Par.ker, Cel.ine Di.on, Guil.iana Ran.cic, etc.

We commend them with opening up about their struggles. We are not alone.  And hopefully it's becoming less and less taboo.

In Cou.ples Re.treat, one of them says that it's hard to go through a private struggle in public. Yes, so there's always that balance to it too. And I hate that some of the celebrities who have come out about this have people say nasty things about them, especially the ones who say - they have so much money they shouldn't complain. We know it's not about the money (in this sense). It's about what is missing in our lives, in our hearts.

Even though Did you He.ar Ab.out the Mor.gans? has a bit of an unrealistic ending (so just a forewarning...), I really appreciated that both these movies chose to put some of what we go through out there.

Maybe watching these will make you feel less alone too.

My Long Road

I feel like this is going to be a never ending battle... or I guess a struggle that is taking way too long to resolve itself.

I started to write this earlier this week: If I'm not pregnant tomorrow, then I don't know what we'll do.

I have a 'next steps' appt w/my doc this morning. I think he'll say that he will likely want to remove a fibroid, so that means waiting once again for IUI #4. I'm not even really sure he'll want to do IUI #4. Isn't 3-4 usually the max that they recommend? We may want to get a second opinion at this point.

For the last two nights, I haven't slept between 3-5am.

What's strange in the last few days of my 2ww angst is that my boss told me yesterday that they do want to send me to India after all in July/Aug. Which actually made me elated. I really do want to go. When he told me about a month ago that I probably wouldn't go, that's kinda why I decided to do another IUI sooner... I know, we can't plan around things so much but...

So, I took a home test this morning and it was negative. And I know that that doesn't necessarily mean anything but I do think it's negative. And I'm ok. Maybe I'm ok because of India. Maybe I'm also ok because we're working through some things in counseling that I know we should probably keep working on without making 'baby-making' the be-all, end-all.

I'll get my results tomorrow but in the meantime, I can't help but think: we can do one more IUI potentially and then our next options are either IVF or adoption.

And that whole decision is overwhelming. I know, I know. 10 steps ahead but... I'm not sure where to place that $10k+ amount of money. IVF has a better likelihood but do we go with a more sure option? I don't know if I can face that decision right now. (And I know many of you have, so I'm sorry if my wallowing seems stupid right now).

It's just so unfair!!!! We should be able to procreate if we want to. I hate this. I look at myself 2 1/2 years ago with the naivete that I'd be pregnant right away - or at least within a few months. And six months later, remember starting to feel that dreaded feeling... and if I only knew then what I know now, I wish there was some way to console me back then.

And that's what I'm trying to do now. It may be another year or two ... or more. So I'm trying to look at this more as a long road rather than thinking it can or will be a short-term solution.

I just still can't believe it sometimes. 2 1/2 years. I would never have ever thought I'd be childless, pregnant-less in that much time. It feels like a slap in the face.

I just don't like feeling like my road can still potentially be that much longer...

My Mother's Day was...

...not so bad. I think because I 1) decided to take a new perspective on it, feeling like I deserved to be celebrated and 2) made it really clear to my husband that I felt that way, that the day wasn't so bad.

Granted, I didn't feel like going to church, even though my church would have been very sensitive about it. And I got irked seeing other pregnant women and all the hoopla around Mom's at the ballpark, but that's ok...

B got me the best card - from our dog, but also from him. He wrote until we have a pooping, crying baby, know that nobody loves you more than [our dog] and me. You're the best mother-in-waiting & I love you. Isn't that the sweetest?

And unexpectedly, my best friend sent me an e-card that said Happy Special Day to the wonderful mom of my future nieces and/or nephews!!! They are worth the work, I just know it! We are praying for you both, dear. With all my love, Aunt J :) I just LOVED it!

Both of those acts made me feel so incredibly special and helped to keep the hurt at bay. I've enjoyed how some of you have written nice things like this so I thought I'd share too. We all know how hard yesterday was...

In Celebration of Us Today

I want to wish us all a Happy Mother's Day. We deserve it. Most of us are mothers-in-waiting. Some of us are mothers and lost. Some of us are mothers after having gone down a long road. Some of us have step children or foster children. We are all mothers.

In our hearts, we are mothers. That's all it comes down to.

I know this will likely be one of the hardest days of the year for all of us, which is why I wanted to give a shout out to all of us - we really do deserve this day. To be celebrated this day. Tell your spouse/signficant other, and family & friends if you're comfortable. Tell them you need to celebrate today, otherwise it will turn into one of the hardest days. And let's be sure to be there for each other.

Love & big, big (((hugs))) to us all today!

Hormones, What IF Project Video & Face.book

I had just been thinking to myself that I was doing pretty ok with the drugs & my hormone levels have been in check. That is, until my husband said something insensitive last night... and I blew my top.

I mean, I screamed. I don't usually scream. And I was screaming. It was ugly. At one point, I felt like I almost had one of those out of body experiences where I was looking at myself screaming, thinking who is this person???

So when that happened, I started explaining that even though I'm still upset, I really think it's the hormones and I can't quite control it. It's all fine now. I had to tell B that my evil twin sister isn't welcome to come around anymore. He seemed to like that.

One more week for my pregnancy test. Next Friday morning. It's all such a balancing act with continous mind games, isn't it?

And, have you all seen the What IF project video? It's remarkable. What courage this person had. Miriam/Keiko from Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed just put it all out there. And I thought, if she has the courage, then I can say something about it on face.book.

Here's what I posted this week:

as follow up to National Inferlity Awareness Week last week, this amazing woman made an incredible video. Hope it touches you too.

I wanted to add: B and I have been waiting 2 1/2 years now for our miracle. But I couldn't. It's ok though. I think it was enough a lot for me to have put this out there. And you know what? Two people have commented and said it did touch them. Nice, huh?

Hope you watch it if you haven't already!

Is it Psychosomatic?

I've been tired since Thurs. Since the IUI. It has to be psychosomatic, right? I can't instantly be tired...

It could be the drugs. I'm taking pro.metrium 2x/day. Does that make your hormone levels out of whack to make you tired?

I haven't been biking to work to be safe. I haven't really exercised. I've walked home from work a couple of times - 1.5 miles but was tired by the end.

Last night, I walked about 20 mins to meet a friend for dinner and got tired and had to take a taxi for the rest of the 7 blocks! That never happens to me. I ran 10 miles twice a few weeks ago!!!

I had no energy this weekend and caught up on my DVR. I even motivated to go to my friend's yard sale Sat morning and after my shower was too tired - at 11am!!! Nuts.

Please, please let me be pregnant... it can't all be psychosomatic, can it?

The What IF Project

I've put off my posting till the very end. Today's the deadline. This project seemed daunting. But I want to contribute in such a bad way. We must. We must be a voice.

Which is why I'm grateful to Stirrup Queens for being such a huge voice for us and for creating the What IF Project. And I'm grateful to an organization like Resolve so that we, and others, have a place to go to for information on infertility and for creating National Infertility Awareness Week.

My What If in my infertility struggles is this:

What if I were able to conceive only to have a special needs child?

What if I put so much effo/rt into having this miracle appear that has been so hard for us and... I mess up

What if it's special needs and I can't handle it?

What if I went through all of this to create something imperfect?

I'm not knocking special needs children and I'm sure I would love it regardless, and I have no idea what that whole world is all about (so I don't mean to offend, honestly).

I'm scared. I'm scared that there may be a reason we're like this - childless. I'm scared that God may be saying 'adopt rather than trying to create if you can't create'...

And to flip this...

What if everything turned out ok?
What if we had the baby(ies) of our dreams?
What if we lived happily ever after?
What if I worried for nothing?
What if I could look back on this and told myself that this was just a slice in time?

This was extremely difficult to write, as I'm sure the ones you wrote were for you. Please... no judgments. I just wanted to be able to contribute to the project. I felt it was the least I could do for our larger community.