Thursday, May 27, 2010

Yesterday

First of all, THANK YOU all so, so incredibly much for all your outreach so far. It's been truly amazing and has kept me going. I tell you, there's just nothing like our community. It really pulls us through. I cannot tell you how much it helped to keep seeing messages come in...

Especially after my afternoon. After I wrote my update and had talked to my husband, I called my mom. Big mistake. In fact, I've learned a huge lesson to not tell her next time we're going through treatment.

I was more or less ok & dealing, particularly after I talked with my husband, but then she had the nerve to say to me "maybe you walked too much" and "maybe you should have gone to the hospital right away". Ohhhhhhh, I wasn't going to take that.

I said, "this is not my fault. There is nothing I did or didn't do to cause this and I can't believe you're saying this to me when I'm in enough pain already." We just got off the phone. I called my dad at work and explained. He said he'd talk to her and he even urged me not to tell her next time we do this because he recognizes she can say insensitive things...

So, I left work... and left a big project that I couldn't concentrate on and feel badly that I didn't get it to my boss and just walked around the block and sat down and cried outside.

She called back later to apologize and by then I was more or less ok, BUT then she starts crying saying "I feel like I've lost a grandchild today." Goodness sakes!!! This isn't about you - it's about me. I'm sorry, but it just is. That's what I wanted to say but she was in pain and I wasn't going to cause her more pain. I just know I won't tell her anything the next time we do this. I've learned my lesson big time.

This whole thing with my mom is really too bad and ironic, actually. Here I am, wanting kids so badly and here she is saying all the wrong things to her child in pain. I just don't get it. I really hope that when we have children, I don't cause this type of added pain to them when they're going through something hard.

Onto next steps: fibroid surgery sometime this summer & try again this fall hopefully.

Until then, I wish I could just take some time off but I need to get through these busy projects at work and we're going to Atlanta for a wedding this weekend... and I wish we weren't going. I really just want to wallow for now. But I can't.

Immediate next step: excited to have bought a 3 month unlimited summer pass to my beloved bik.ram yo.ga studio. It helped me during my last miscarriage. I think it will help again.

Thanks again for your love, support and kindness. I give you all (((hugs))) back!

20 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. This is about you, and people do need to remember that!

    Hugs to you at this sad time.

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  2. Mum's can be a pain. I do sympathise. My mum when I told her about my recent miscarriage asked a few questions then said 'And apart from that what have you been doing?' Honestly!

    People just say stupid things, normally at really bad times. My mum didn't mean it, I'm sure yours doesn't either. But it does hurt. xxx

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  3. I'm so, so sorry that I haven't checked in in a while and even more sorry to hear that you are miscarrying. It is a pain that nobody should have to bear. I wish I could sit with you and we could cry or laugh or whatever you needed in that moment together.
    And good for you for remembering this is about you - my mom is the exact same way. If there's anything I can do, please know I'm here for you!

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  4. I agree with your dad--- keep quiet next time... actually you just helped me because I'm going to do the same...it's better that way. I tried yoga once... I wasn't too good at it... I guess I should have stayed with it... glad that we could all be there for you... that's the great thing about the blog community:0)

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  5. So sorry you're dealing with insensitive people on top of the loss you are grieving. Thinking of you & sending you hugs & prayers that you will have the strength & support you need to get through this difficult time.

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  6. Awwww, you guys are so awesome!!! Thank you!

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss. I know (firsthand, unfortunately) there aren't words that will help take your pain away, but know that my heart is with you.

    And I hope your mom finds someone ELSE to be her support right now; this is about you.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you are dealing with insensitive comments, especially from your mom. I'm thinking of you and your DH. Huge hugs to you!

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  9. I have learned there are alot of people for me not to talk to. I am so sorry you are going through ALL of this again. I wish I was there I would give you a big hug and find out where your Bikram studio is. There is not one near me and it is very theraputic.

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  10. Oh honey, I am so very sorry. There are no words to take away this pain, but know that there are many people out there thinking of you. Take good care of yourself. I think the bikram yoga sounds like a great idea. Big hugs to you.

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  11. so sorry to hear this. I called my mom, too, both times this happened to me ... and both times I kicked myself for doing so. You need to surround yourself right now with people who love you, and who will drown you in support. *hugs* to you ...

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  12. I am so very sorry for your loss, it is so heartbreaking. I am also sorry to hear that your mother is saying all the wrong things to you right now. I wish she could just give you a hug and try to take care of you. Sending love your way. Hang in there....
    ~LFCA~

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  13. I am sorry. Sending you tons of prayers and hugs.

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  14. I am so, so very sorry... I hate that this has happened, hate that you're experiencing this loss... I wish there were words that would give comfort, but words feel so empty at a time like this. Sending you hugs and prayers~

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  15. I am so sorry! We will be praying for you!!

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  16. Again I am so so sorry for your loss! Sorry too about your mom's comments! Those comments sound like something my grandma would say. I hope the wedding ends up being a nice time away & that you & your DH can draw support from each other. Wishing I could give you a real hug! Praying for you!

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  17. Your mom's reaction is so...not right.
    I hope you have a nice time this weekend even if you don't feel like going and I'm sure the yoga will help like last time. Do what's best for you. Be kind to yourself. Because you're worth it ! Couldn't resist that last bit. :)

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  18. so sorry for your loss. :( Sorry your mom was insensitive, I am glad you told her how you felt. I hope the biking and yoga will be healing for you.

    ((hugs))

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  19. I'm sorry that on top of all of this that adding to things was your mom. (((HUGS)))

    I hope the yoga helps. I really, really need to get back and go for myself, too.

    Try and carve out some time for yourself this weekend in Atlanta.

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  20. You are so sweet...thank you for your comment yesterday, it brought a smile to my face & totally made my day:) I agree it's amazing the bond we all forge when dealing with IF, it is truly on of the blessings in this crazy journey. So glad you liked the books...I too LOVED those green start books, they're all so adorable & great messages too! Thinking of you & hope you have a relaxing holiday weekend:)

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