Back to Liking Kids

I had to take a little breather - from being around kids, and particularly kids who are close to me: my nephews and my best friend's kid.

After our 3rd IUI in April/May in which I got pregnant for the 2nd time - and miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks for the 2nd time, I needed time.

I couldn't hear about every cute thing these kids did. I didn't want to see families at church or hear about how the nursery needs to grow. I couldn't be near parks. Baseball games with kids even made me sad.

It helped that my mom noticed and limited talk about our nephews. It helped to retreat and do my yo.ga. It helped to go on a trip with my best friend - without her kid. It helped to heal.

And I think I'm back. I've been excited to see my nephews again in the last couple of weeks. I quickly saw them Wed night, I'll be seeing them today to go to the pool and again next weekend to see Ma.ry Pop.pins.

If you haven't read Lily's book Infertile Inspiration at The Infertile Mind, please do. I've gone back and read it several times now. The statement on page 8 (if you download the book into pdf format) says:

You can impact a child's life at anytime.

That really resonates with me. I have great children in my life. I remember the adults in my childhood who made an impact. I want to be that person in children's lives who can make an impact. I'm ready to do that again.

Last night, I kept my best friend's toddler over at our place and I can't wait for him to wake up this morning. He is so cute and so much fun! We took him to the park last night, we'll take him again this morning. He makes lion noises when I ask him what his favorite animal is... (I think he really just likes the noise, not necessarily the animal!)

So, hopefully I'm back. Back to liking kids. Back to hearing what cute things they do. Back to taking them to the park or pool. Back to being the adult who can make an impact in another child's life, simply by being with them.

Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

Oh, haven't we learned the importance of this golden rule in all of our relationships? Don't jump to conclusions... give people the benefit of the doubt? Especially to those who we know love us???

So, then why is this so difficult to actually do?

I learned this week... I learned once again to extend this grace to others. And in particular, to my mother-in-law.

I've been wanting us to be closer, and I've been disappointed somewhat by her lack of communication with me about everything IF related. When I first found out about the size of my fibroid and scheduling the surgery last week, I, of course, called my mom, and then a few days later I thought, you know, I ought to let her know too, the same as I would my own mom.

So, I wrote her an email on Friday along with other news, though the biggest one was my upcoming surgery. She wrote back but did not comment at all on my surgery. That lack of communication had my wheels spinning all weekend long...

Why can't we be closer?
Why wouldn't she have mentioned anything?
Did I give her too much information?
Is she uncomfortable with me sharing too much detail?
Is she just trying to be a good mother-in-law and give me my space?

I just didn't get it. And as I questioned these things with my husband last night, the phone rang. It was her.

It was her asking if she and my father-in-law could come over and help take care of me after the surgery.

Wow. Just wow.

Why didn't I give her the benefit of the doubt? And better yet, I learned from this and I know from now on that I will. Because I know she loves me.

Surgery's Scheduled & Feelin' Good

Yes - I am feelin' good! At first I was feelin' scared but once I committed to the date for my fibroid-the-size-of-an-orange surgery, I started feeling like everything was going to be better!

Friday, August 13

When the surgeon coordinator asked if I was superstitious, I said no, so she scheduled me for Friday, the 13th!

It seems like it will work out ideally to minimize time away from work too, with major recovery over the weekend and hopefully working some from home that next week. Then hopefully one week in the office and then our week of vacation, where I will continue to recover.

So, that's the plan, Stan! And I am feeling like this is the right next step. I'm feeling postive about things, whereas I hadn't in awhile. Maybe sometimes just having a plan helps. I sure hope this will help us!

Happy July ICLW!

I love ICLW - thank you for visiting if you're new and thank you for continuing to support me if you visit frequently. It makes me smile! :) 

A bit about our journey: TTC since Jan 08. 3 IUIs. 2 miscarriages at 5 1/2 weeks (one requiring methotrextate - sp?). Fibroid the size of an orange discovered to potentially be the problem. Trying to get surgery scheduled so that we can be on our way to parenthood... somehow!

This blogland has saved me. I'm not sure what I would do without it... without you.

I leave you with this - a meaningful book that Lily from The Infertile Mind made called Infertile Inspiration. If you go to her website, you can view it in either video or pdf format. She's been an incredible friend to me. She's super creative and this book will warm your heart as as it did mine. Promise.

Happy ICLW! :)

The Size of an Orange, You Say?

Whoa! That's how large my fibroid is! I can hardly believe it. An orange??? In there? And I never knew it?

Yeah, let's get that sucker out of there! Make room for a baby, please. Make my uterus hospitable finally! (They've called this fibroid making my uterus inhospitable!).

Next step is scheduling surgery, which will mean 1-2 days in the hospital, 3-4 days recovery and probably a week working from home. A month total till back to normal.

And because they have to get into the muscle too much, if I do get pregnant later, I'd have to have a c-section.

Oh well... all this doesn't sound fun, but if it gets us to where we want to be then, so be it!

In-Law Visit & Stranger's Loss Story

We decided on a whim (even though I had been prodding my husband for weeks to plan this) to visit my in-laws this weekend - a 9 hour drive away - for my mother-in-law's birthday in the mountains of NC.

It was nice. Another peaceful setting:

What I thought was strange was that no one mentioned our recent miscarriage. Again. The one in May was our 2nd one and while I got nice emails from both my mother and father-in-law, you'd think they would have pulled me aside, given me a little hug, and said something.

It's just so bizarre. I can't understand it. I just can't. And should I mention again that they are pastors? All of them - mother, father, brother. Yes! So, they should be used to dealing with life's difficulties... I just don't get it.

******************

On the ironic front, I happened to be in conversation with a woman at a barbeque... her adult son was signing gospel at this church fundraiser and he had one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard. I asked her if he had any siblings, wondering if this talent was in the family.

She shocked me by saying that he was a twin but lost his twin and that was her only pregnancy. I said something like "I'm really sorry for your loss" and wanted to say more but couldn't think of what... and I couldn't tell if it felt strange bringing it up since this happened for her 25 years ago or if I can't possiblity know the definition of loss like she does. But I felt like saying "I know your pain more than you think."

... But do I? And would that have been appropriate? What would you have said?

And maybe that's why my in-laws didn't say anything this weekend. But one big difference is that my in-laws are not strangers. Though, I admit that I did feel a kinship with this woman knowing we've had similar struggles. Yet, she'll never know because I didn't say anything beyond "I'm sorry for your loss"...

Just What the Doctor Ordered... For Once!

...or what I ordered - the weekend away with my best friend - just her and I, no husband and she did not bring her 1 1/2 year old.

It was marvelous! So needed. Everyone needs to remember how important time like that is. Sure, there was some talk of her child and some talk of my infertility but just a part of the conversation, not the entire conversation.

Lately, when we've been catching up quickly by phone it's her saying "oh, listen to what cute thing he did" or me saying "here's the latest on my infertility yo-yo". It got to be too much - I'm sure from both sides.

We laughed, talked about all kinds of life stuff including past, present, future, random thoughts, dreams - basically everything best friends talk about.

We used to go on vacations - a week somewhere when we were single & in our 20s, then it became a few days and in a group situation with husbands, and then it became none since her child. Even though it was just a weekend, we both felt like we were worlds away... and back in our friendship.

Just what I ordered and what everyone should order! Get back to that place, where the real, whole you can come out...

Some peaceful pics from our trip:

Needing Surgery

After 3 IUIs, 2 that took but miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks, my doc referred me to a surgeon to recommend I get a fibroid removed. That appt was this morning.

Ugh. No fun. Talked a lot with the surgeon about "what are the chances of staying pregnant if I have this surgery done?" And no real answers. They just can't say.

I need more info but apparently my fibroid isn't huge, but it's grown, and grown closer to the uterine lining, making my uterus 'inhospitable' he said. He recommended doing the surgery.

I'm a big baby. I don't take pain well, so I'm not thrilled about this recommendation especially not knowing how much it would increase our chances of staying pregnant. And because of the incision he'd have to do, I'd likely have to have c-sections in the future... if we get pregnant.

Surgery means 1-2 days in the hospital, 3-4 days recovery and 2-4 weeks lifestyle recovery. I just don't feel like dealing with this. I feel like I've been on such a yo-yo in general with inactivity and recovering from stuff - miscarriages...

Will I gain weight as a result of not exercising and then have to work hard to lose again? Getting bigger has had an impact on me psychologically, and just when I feel like I'm making progress on my weight, I'll bet this makes it worse again. I felt that way at Easter, so close to goal weight, feeling so good again, and we did another IUI, throwing a lot of my hard work away as I gained 5 lbs (I'm small so that makes a difference) again...

So, I'd like advice. Anyone out there had fibroids removed and were successful with pregnancies after? Heard of anyone who has? Anyone know statistics on increasing chances once fibroids are removed? I just want to know - if it's 10%, not sure that I want to do this but if it's 60% , then yes.

So, help me out please :)

Best Friend Time

My best friend and I are going away together this weekend to a lake for some chill-just-us time. I can't wait. We need this so badly - or at least, I need this from us so badly.

She has a 1 1/2 year old who I just love, but as you can imagine, it's been a rocky road with dealing with my feelings about everything infertility and therefore, somehow even though this kid brings me joy, he can also bring on my sadness. He's about the age that I feel my child would be.

My best friend and I had both agreed to start trying around the same time - about 3 years ago. She took the lead though and started 4 months ahead of me. She got pregnant within 4 months but then had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. She got pregnant the following month.

I sometimes still can't believe that even with her set-back, she still has a  1 1/2 year old... and I have nothing. I try not to think about it too much - or think about it in that way. But it's hard not to.

And that's sometimes my biggest challenge. How do I let others' joys not become sadnesses to me?

I really need this weekend with her. Just her.

Broken Into

Our house got broken into yesterday. They took 2 tvs, my work laptop, camera and ipod.

And you know what? I don't care.

Yeah, interesting view, huh?

I think we are very lucky to have homeowner's insurance. Nothing sentimental got taken (thank goodness I wore my engagement ring that day - I almost didn't). I think it may help that I got broken into about 10 years ago. It doesn't seem as frightening.

But I think infertility has put perspective on things. The trauma I feel I'm going through right now just doesn't compare. As my husband says 'it's just stuff'. And as Rebecca eloquently puts it with dealing with her grief and what she's learned: We would trade every material thing we have to have our daughter healthy & with us.

So, take all the tvs you want... I just want a baby.

Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 6

I haven't been highlighting this program week to week necessarily but it's still going on!

How are you doing with it?

I had a little set-back after my trip to NYC but I worked really hard at it last week, even over the 4th of July weekend and I'm back down to where I was before NYC. My weigh in is Thursday, so I hope I can maintain this or make it better!

I keep being inspired by what my friend, Hannah says: "If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be skinny."


And I was feeling skinnier this morning. Just gotta keep it up. And how, you ask?

• Writing it Down! Yes, ladies (and gentlemen!) - it does work. I'm so less likely to eat more if I write it all down!
• Exercise. Well, it's too hot for running this week, which is too bad because I was starting to get back into it, having ran 2x last week. BUT I am committed to bik.ram yoga (yes, I'm self-torturing by going into a hot room!). I did that 4x last week. Yay!
• Weighing In. I felt it was too cruel to weigh in last week and attend my meeting after having indulged so much on my trip and having gotten my period. BUT I will this week. The Thurs meeting speaker is a barrel of laughs, so I feel like I'm going to a mini-comedy show on Thursdays at lunch!

How's your week going? I've been inspired by some of you...

Who else inspires me? Did you know that Sweet Pea started a blog called The Weight is Over. I'm loving it! And I actually really love the Wei.ght Wat.chers' CEO's blog too - Man Meets Scale. Check it out for your inspiration!

Not Such an Uphill Road but an Incline?

I'm stuck on this journey feeling like it's a steep, steep uphill road with no end in sight - no ultimate goal in sight - our own biological children.

But does it have to seem that way? How can I make it not seem so hard, so far out of sight?

A friend who recently went through infertility problems gave me her insight when I explained my latest quandry over these thoughts and I thought I'd share them since they've seeped in and made me look at things in a different way:

I know that feeling extremely well. I felt so often like I couldn’t even get out of the gate, how was I ever going to get to the finish line. But I do really believe that it can’t be that challenging at each step, just a matter of getting past the one that is holding you (one, I mean, not you specifically) up. Does that make sense?

 Like for me, if I could just produce enough eggs for them to get a couple, the rest of the steps should be doable. And for you, once you get past whatever is stopping them from sticking, the other steps won’t be an issue (or any more than they would for any other person). Does that bring any comfort? It helped me, just knowing it wasn’t entirely up hill, just a really steep incline for that one step!

I hope she's right. One steep incline. Okay. I can do this.

I think...

Marching On, But Continued Grief

I still can't get Rebecca out of my heart and mind. My thoughts continue to surround her as she grieves for her baby girl who was born too soon and left our world too early. (((Hugs))), Rebecca...

And then I saw this post from Sara, who I met during June's ICLW. It's called Who is This Person? It's a great post that I'm sure many of us can relate to. As I commented on her page: I just want to be normal again... to be happy when I see others with their babies, especially my best friend's whose baby is the age mine would have been had we gotten pregnant relatively early on.

And my journey continues... with an MRI this morning, bright and early at 6:45am. Not eating or drinking beforehand. My doc wanted to check out my fibroid before moving to recommended surgery. Have you ever had an MRI?

It was a miserable experience for me - at least at first. I knew I was clautophobic but I surprised myself with how I reacted. Just thinking about it makes me want to hyperventilate again.

As soon as they put me in, I asked to be taken out and I started to cry saying that I didn't think I could do this today. The tech calmed me down and said that he could remove the pillow and let me look out the back way if that would be better. So, we tried that. And it worked.

I still didn't like it but I just tried to keep breathing. Yoga actually helped in this case - I just kept focusing on my breath (though not taking deep breaths was hard!).

And all I kept thinking of was this is for the greater cause, remember the purpose and if this is what is needed to bring me my children, my family, then I'll stick through this.

I told myself the same thing 2 months ago when I posted Scared of Self Injection but unfortunately, that didn't bring me my baby. I have a feeling I'm going to have to go through many, many more steps before that happens and I'm trying to take that information in while continuing to breathe.