Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It Pisses Me Off

I just took a test and it's negative. Quelle surprise! What else is new? The thing is, I haven't taken a home test in a verrrrrrrrry long time. Found them pointless. But for some stuuuuupid reason, I decided to be extra hopeful this month.

Grrrrrr. It just REALLY angers me. Why? Why can't I just be normal? Just once?

And better yet, since I'm clearly not, then why can't I handle this better? Why can't I be one of those people who really seek to make this situation better, or accept it, or make the most of it, or see the blessings that could come of it?

My husband was saying the other day that he thinks we've gotten closer as a result of all of this. Maybe. Maybe not. I'd like to think that we'd be closer in a totally different way if we hadn't gone through any of this. And I can't think that my friends who conceived naturally are not closer to their hubands. And I'm just not ready to see the silver lining yet in this.

And part of it is that I'd like for our silver lining to be adoption. I really do. I'm sick of my (failing) body. I'm sick of monitoring. I'm sick of timing sex (especially when we really don't want to). I'm sick of being anxious for 2 weeks. I'm sick of being hopeful. I'm sick of negative tests. I'm sick of doctors appointments. I'm sick of drugs. I'm just sick of it all.

I want a different silver lining. But my husband isn't there on that. So, I feel totally stuck. And this impasse is almost more painful than our infertility. Do I just 'give in' and do all the doctors appointments, more drugs, more everything? Why can't he see this beautiful thing that can be for us - a different silver lining?

I'm also sick of being angry. And sad. And withdrawn. I just want to be me again.


  1. I am so sorry. This is why I hate HPT they have a way to ruin everything (I guess for some people it actually is the opposite but I am not one of those people).
    I totally understand about not wanting to have to go through this anymore in your own body. I know that adoption is not an easy road either, but I too feel so afraid of doing this with my own eggs and my own body at this point that it feels like a good option. I, like you, am married to a man who will not say the word adoption (or donor egg for that matter). I feel stuck all the time.
    I just wanted to let you know that I am here and that I do understand.
    Sending love to you.

  2. So sorry...I'm having one of those really rough days too. It was amazing reading your post I could have written most of those feelings myself today. When I got home today I told my husband, I'm so tired of it all, tired of all the waiting, the injections, the unknowns and trying so hard. And as you said I'm tired of feeling sad and angry and bitter...thinking of you and sending love. Wish we weren't so far away so we could wallow together with some wine over our frustrations and sadness. ((hugs))

  3. I feel like you are saying what's in my mind. Seriously, when can I just give up on my body. If it isn't meant to be let me just move on. I don't choose to do things that make me an emotional mess and that consistently defeat me.
    I guess it just takes men longer to realize that a child is yours no matter how it comes to you. Often I think it is because they are more egocentric and want to see themselves and their genes in someone else. That part doesn't matter to me. I want to share my love, guide and nurture a child. I know that I could bond with any child and no biological connection is necessary.
    Furthermore men do not have to go through what we do physically. I wuold be surprised if my infertility crosses my husbands mind with the exception of my non-stop talking about it.
    I have put my foot down and said after my IVF attempt we are moving onto adoption....let's see how that works out for me!

  4. Oh, I am so sorry. HPT's always provide a glimpse of hope for the 3 or so minutes you have to wait. They are never an easy thing to deal with.
    My husband and I are kind of feeling the same way as you. I keep getting upset with him b/c he is pushing IVF, etc. and I keep telling him that it is not his body that has to go through all of this. Take your time finding a middle ground for the both of you.
    Sending you lots of hugs.