Thursday, November 18, 2010

It's Not Looking Good

My ultrasound & sonogram showed nothing today. They couldn't find anything. They did bloodwork and I told them could they please not wait until 5pm tomorrow to call me. They said they'd try. I really wish I was back at my RE and not at this obgyn.

Anyway, they said I'd likely have to repeat an ultrasound on Monday and I'm pretty sure we'll have to do methotrextate (sp?) next week. I just hope that my levels actually start decreasing so that I don't have to do that.

The irony. Almost 1 year to the day where we went through the same thing. At Thanksgiving.

We got pregnant on our own this time but now I'm hesitant to put more money into treatments if I can't ever make it to week 6. There's one more test my new RE wanted to do. I guess we'll do that when this is all over.

I feel kinda numb but I think I also want to be resolved to handle this better. I had told my husband that this unbearable feeling lately has given me insight into why people contemplate ending their lives. Not that I'm near that point AT ALL but I could just see it. He wanted to know if he wasn't enough. And I had a hard time with that because, in a way, no - because I really can't imagine us without a family. And on the other hand, if the tables were turned, I would want to feel like I'd be enough for him to never contemplate something like that... (and please don't worry - I'm really not contemplating anything).

So after our big conversation around it, I'm even more determined to try to get back to ME and handle this better. All I need is peace and resolve. I can do this!


  1. Oh honey... I'm sorry. Words arent enough.

    Thinking of you and sending prayers...xo

  2. How far would you be right now? Ob-gyn's don't always have ultrasounds as sensitive as RE's... Also, if it's under 1000, it may be too soon anyways. i know, more dragging it out, right? I am not sure you would need methotrexate by the way unless it's in your tube. I would try to avoid the met. as long as possible, as you shouldn't try to get pregnant until a few months later.

    hugs, I wish this were easier or more clear...I hate hate hate hate the time after beta for this reason. I have lived through the same thing as you.


  3. I will tell you this...I have contemplated ending my life. I have thought about grabbing a rope and hanging myself from a stairwell. Buying a gun and blowing my brains out. Taking a bottle of pills and never waking up. At times, I have felt that being dead would be better than going through this pain, again and again. In our hearts, I believe we know the difference between whether we intend to do these things or whether thinking about them is cathartic, helps up to think about how we would continue to live our lives. You have been through this before. You survived. These feelings, these emotions, remind yourself that they will get better. Maybe not it 1 day, one week, or one month, but you will find a time when you are laughing with abandon, or enjoying a pretty sunset, or having a fun dinner with friends and realize that life may not be the way you planned it, but it is still worth living. Take care of yourself these next few days. Watch TV in bed all day. Eat your favorite foods. Get a pedicure. This terrible moment in your life will pass. You will survive. And, if family is important, you will find a way to make your family.

  4. PS--if you are feeling that these thoughts are MORE than just thoughts, definitely talk to a therapist and get yourself some help.

  5. I am so sorry. Sending you tons of hugs and prayers!!

  6. You can do this, I have no doubt. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Not trying to give you any false hope but could it be too early to see something? I hope your OB's office gets its act together.
    Thniking of you (((hugs)))

  7. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. There are no words to make it better.
    I felt so many of things of the things that you are talking about and do no think that my husband is enough. I love him with all my heart, but cannot not have a child.
    Sending love your way. You and your husband are in my thoughts.

  8. I'm soo sorry. =(
    But yes, you can do this. You can be YOU...but you can also grieve, mourn and be sad too.
    And yes, you can do this. And you can also receive help and love and support. Don't do it alone.

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  10. Waiting is awful. Waiting for bad news is worse. I wish I could say something that would make it easier. Thinking of you x

  11. I am echoing Running Mama...I too went through many years of depression and tried many times to end my life....but that's not what I really wanted...all I wanted was for the pain to go away....your post reminds me of the story of Hannah and Elkanah...he too felt that he wasn't enough for his wife....eventually God did heal here bitterness and bless her with a child....I pray and hope the same will happen for you....although you may read the Facebook statuses of those who pregnant or celebrating their children.....we are all here to let you know that we understand and we feel the pain that you are feeling.....that is what makes this space so special and unique... To me it seems that we are all in a time of testing....and its a hard test because our inability to conceive is out of our control......don't give up...don't throw in the towel....don't feel devalued because of this curreent situation....I love you friend and if you ever need to talk...cry on the shoulder of someone who knows what its like...or just scream and get it all out...I am here for you.

  12. Sorry I haven't been by in a while. I am saddened to hear of this news and the tremendous heartache it is causing you. I understand it all too well.

    I really resonated with this comment you made, "I'm hesitant to put more money into treatments if I can't ever make it to week 6." I never made it any farther, either. It's very hard to want to invest more, both financially and emotionally.

    If there's anything I can do for you, please know I'm here. You are always so supportive of my blog and I am always happy that you've stopped by. I consider you a special friend, even if we've never met.