Monday, November 1, 2010

A Bit of a Silence

I've been pretty silent lately and was not a good ICLW participant. I feel badly that I've been neglecting my dear friends in blogland. But I've also needed this introspection time.

The last couple of weeks were difficult. I was still dealing with a lot of sadness and grieving important milestones of 'could have been's'.  I think I'm better, but each time I say that, I relapse.

What's going on this time? My last counseling session indicated that I'm now grieving the loss of the relationship that my mother and I had. That ever since this world of infertility I've been thrown into, our relationship has changed. And most signficantly, it changed this past spring as I was experiencing our second miscarriage in which I felt she blamed me for things I either did or didn't do. I'm still resentful of that.

And as a result, I'm processing it and have distanced myself from her - the person I thought I could always go to for everything, who was my comfort. Yet, she hasn't known how to comfort me in this trying time.

Just last week, after months of not talking about it, I re-opened up to her. I had told her again that I don't want advice and all I need is empathy. The conversation started out ok. She was offering me (albeit extremely awkwardly and forced) what I needed to hear - "I'm sorry you're going through this and that it's difficult for you". And then she did it: she offered me advice that I didn't want, telling me that I just need to accept my situation, that I'd be better able to move on if I just accepted it.

All that advice after I had also just told her that my counselor says this is different. That it's hard to just accept something when there isn't a finality to it yet.

I honestly don't remember what I said next but remember trying to just get off the phone because I just didn't want to hear it.

We're likely going to have to have another conversation about this but it just zaps my energy and therefore creates distance and makes me feel all the more that I've lost my mom - the mom I used to have. The mom who used to be able to comfort me.

I'm still grieving, not just for lost baby milestones but for my mother who can't comfort me the way she used to.


  1. ((hugs)) to you my friend, so sorry it's been a difficult couple of weeks for you. Sending love and hope for strength your way to continue on this journey and for the next conversation with your mother.

  2. I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I had to grieve the relationships I had with my family and the perfect family I would never have and it was very hard. But I eventually got through it and I have more distance, less expectations. It's still sad and it's sad that you have to go through it.
    I hope you feel better soon.

  3. I am so sorry to hear about this ongoing struggle with your mother/daughter relationship. I am praying that, even when it doesn't feel like it, God is bringing healing and understanding between the two of you. ((hugs))

  4. sorry to hear about your struggles w your mom
    i think it can be hard for parents to let go sometimes and not always be the wise all knowing parent
    and it can be hard to see our parents as fallible people w weakness and difficulties rather than the perfect people we expect them to be
    trust your instincts and i hope that someday soon your relationship w her will improve