I cried and cried to the point where I could hardly breathe anymore. I don't know that I've ever cried harder or more passionately EVER. It was pretty intense. Telling my husband that I just can't take the enormity of all of this anymore. That I feel absence in our life so much and that he and I can't agree on next steps - both of those combined creates this immense sadness.
Which is why I felt like I needed reinforcements.
I found this infertility support group last year and for various reasons stopped going (inconvenient location, feeling hopeful with fertility treatments, finding bloggers). But last week, my counselor recommended I connect with people going through this in real life. So, I thought it time to go back.
And it was quite a feat - I had a daytrip planned on Thurs to our PA office, a 3 hour one-way trip! And I still made it to Thurs night support group, albeit 10 minutes late!
And I'm so glad I did. The leader is an acunpuncturist who leads us through discussion along with guided meditation. It was hard for me to get into at first and I don't know that I can do meditation on my own, but I see the benefits.
What resonated the most to me was how:
- This can be all-consuming to us and we have to remember that this is a slice of our lives and not everything. Life is bigger than this, she kept saying.
- And I know she's right. I know that I'm more than whether or not I'm a mom right now. And when I will be a mom, I know that being a mom will still be one facet of the many things that define me.
- We need to reclaim our happiness. We need to write down 15 things that make us happy and then spend each weekend doing one of those things.
- I finished a book in bed yesterday morning (A Hap.py Marr.iage for those of you wondering, and I'd give it a solid B - good read but not one of the best books I've read), I walked in my neighborhood to get froyo and went to a used bookstore, then came home to read on our front porch swing.
- We need to move our bodies. Even when we don't feel like it. The endorphins that exercise creates will help to make us feel better. (We know this, right? So, let's do it!)
- Paying attention to nutrition is important. She's also a nutrionist so I got inspired...
- It's ok to create the space we need to feel whatever we're feeling - sad, mad, disappointed... and not feel like we shouldn't feel that way.
- We need to be kind to ourselves.
- We need to learn to be flexible when we're faced with challenges. We need to pick up the stake we've put in the ground and move it.
- This may have been what made me perk up the most. I've had my stake in the ground for everything that's going on this fall - coming up on the anniversary of our first miscarriage (around Thanksgiving no less), coming up on a 3 year trying to conceive milestone, coming up on my best friend's second baby's birth and mostly coming up on what do we do come January if we're still not pregnant? Her answer: move our stake in the ground. I like it.