Sunday, October 17, 2010

Calling In Reinforcements

This was a rough week. I've been feeling the lowest of lows lately. I got my period. And I went to a Wed night church event where unbeknownst to me, they served communion and I just wasn't ready. I cried on bike ride home. And then I completely lost it when I got home.

I cried and cried to the point where I could hardly breathe anymore. I don't know that I've ever cried harder or more passionately EVER. It was pretty intense. Telling my husband that I just can't take the enormity of all of this anymore. That I feel absence in our life so much and that he and I can't agree on next steps - both of those combined creates this immense sadness.

Which is why I felt like I needed reinforcements.

I found this infertility support group last year and for various reasons stopped going (inconvenient location, feeling hopeful with fertility treatments, finding bloggers). But last week, my counselor recommended I connect with people going through this in real life. So, I thought it time to go back.

And it was quite a feat - I had a daytrip planned on Thurs to our PA office, a 3 hour one-way trip! And I still made it to Thurs night support group, albeit 10 minutes late!

And I'm so glad I did. The leader is an acunpuncturist who leads us through discussion along with guided meditation. It was hard for me to get into at first and I don't know that I can do meditation on my own, but I see the benefits.

What resonated the most to me was how:
  • This can be all-consuming to us and we have to remember that this is a slice of our lives and not everything. Life is bigger than this, she kept saying.
    • And I know she's right. I know that I'm more than whether or not I'm a mom right now. And when I will be a mom, I know that being a mom will still be one facet of the many things that define me.
  • We need to reclaim our happiness. We need to write down 15 things that make us happy and then spend each weekend doing one of those things.
    • I finished a book in bed yesterday morning (A Marr.iage for those of you wondering, and I'd give it a solid B - good read but not one of the best books I've read), I walked in my neighborhood to get froyo and went to a used bookstore, then came home to read on our front porch swing.
  • We need to move our bodies. Even when we don't feel like it. The endorphins that exercise creates will help to make us feel better. (We know this, right? So, let's do it!)
  • Paying attention to nutrition is important. She's also a nutrionist so I got inspired...
  • It's ok to create the space we need to feel whatever we're feeling - sad, mad, disappointed... and not feel like we shouldn't feel that way.
  • We need to be kind to ourselves.
  • We need to learn to be flexible when we're faced with challenges. We need to pick up the stake we've put in the ground and move it.
    • This may have been what made me perk up the most. I've had my stake in the ground for everything that's going on this fall - coming up on the anniversary of our first miscarriage (around Thanksgiving no less), coming up on a 3 year trying to conceive milestone, coming up on my best friend's second baby's birth and mostly coming up on what do we do come January if we're still not pregnant? Her answer: move our stake in the ground. I like it.
So, what did I learn this week? That it's important to lean on others and seek help. That life is bigger than this. That if we're not pregnant come January, it'll be ok... I'll just pick up our stick and move it.


  1. I am so glad that you went to this group, it sounds like a great resource for you. This is a hard journey and I think we all have large ups and downs. I am sorry you had a harder week, but very glad that you are starting to focus on other things and fill up your life again.
    Hang in there.

  2. This group sounds AWESOME ! And the positive reinforcment is just what you need right now. We have to go through some bumps in the road before we get get to smoother ground. Hang in there..

    Move that stick...LOVE IT ! I moved mine quite a few times recently.

  3. I want u to know how much u just helped me. I'm here with tears in my eyes but I am also going to pick up mine up and move it and even leave room to move it again. Thank u friend.

  4. Hello MIW,

    I am glad to hear that you have decided to go back to your support group -- it sounds like you got a lot of benefit from it! It is very comforting to know that there are others out there who are also facing fertility challenges, and who have similar experiences of the inevitable roller-coaster of emotions that accompany the fertility process.

  5. I'm so glad you went! I just started back to counseling and first lesson was to not feel guilty for our feelings. It's so hard, saying "i need help" but at times we are so inside our heads we need to get out. Counseling and groups rock.

    Our bible study today was on how trials are only for a season. 1 Peter 1:6-7 & James 1:2-4 was part of the word we read=awesome and inspiring.

  6. I'm so happy you found a group that helps. Accepting that you need help in dealing with something is a great move forward ! I'm sure the meetings will be worth it !
    I know that without support groups I would not have made it through everything. It really helped me accept what I was living and brought me focus.

  7. Hi! I live in Arlington VA and was wondering about the support group you found. Do you think you could email me about it? dcrunningmamablog at gmail dot com. I have been trying to deal with this on my own... b/c I can't find any therapists that deal with IF in DC ... and Resolve groups have a wait list! (Arg!)

  8. "We need to learn to be flexible when we're faced with challenges. We need to pick up the stake we've put in the ground and move it."

    I really like that. I definitely need to pick up my stake and move it. Hell, maybe throw it far, far away and then just see where it lands. :)

    Lily - The Infertile Mind