Just When I Thought...

Just when I thought I was doing so well staying positive, my mother leaves me a voicemail asking me if I'm mad at her for not calling in awhile.

First of all, I've been traveling and she knows this.

Secondly, I've been sad. Along with a whole host of complicated feelings that most people don't seem to get.

It takes energy to stay positive. And for whatever reason, I haven't really been reaching out to anyone. I wonder sometimes if I'm mildly depressed... I haven't wanted to see many friends, talk on the phone, go to church, etc.

And just when I think I'm over a sadness hump, there it is again.

Big cries with my husband last night. Same things... why don't people understand, why don't people reach out to me more, why can't I just enjoy this journey of life instead of thinking that children is our destination?

I'm ok for the most part. It just kicks me sometimes.

And I can't get a call like that from my mom. It's too much to put on me... 'are you mad at me?' NO! I'm not mad at you!!! I'm sad and can't deal with my own feelings right now.

I'm not mad at you but I also can't deal with your underlying negativity. It drains me. And I still harbor resentment about how you treated me after our last miscarriage. And I don't know how to answer the question 'how are you?' and because you don't seem to really understand, I don't want to talk about it with you. And other than talking with my husband about it, no one else seems to understand or say the right things. And I feel like I sound like a broken record. No one likes a pity party, right? So, it's just easier to not talk.