I came sort-of-'out' on Face.book

I found the courage to post on face.book. I felt like I had to. Like I needed to. The more of us that are 'out', the more it will no longer be taboo.

I say that, but I posted a pretty innocuous statement:

Because 1 in 8 is someone you know:

go to www.resolve.org/takecharge

 for National Infertility Awareness Week.

No one commented. Not that I expected them to. I just want it out there.

Having said that, I'm pretty proud of what I did. It's a beginning. But a good beginning. A great beginning.

I wish sometimes I had the courage of Stirrup Queens who is completely 'out'. She's making a mark. She's moving things forward. You guys have read about her trip to Capitol Hill this week? It's remarkable! I wish I could do that.

Maybe once I sort out my fears, inadequacies, pain, confusion... maybe then. But I don't think that ever goes away.

At least I hope my posting will let others know that they aren't alone if they are also going through this. And that they now have a resource two resources: me & Resolve. I hope I'm one step closer to breaking the taboo for others who just don't get it.

I think what I did was important for me. And for others.

Officially in a 2ww

We had our 3rd IUI yesterday. And I'm feeling (very) hopeful. In fact, I'm going to assume for now that I'm pregnant (and hope my world doesn't crash in 2 weeks).

We've always said we'd do 4 IUIs and then re-consider our options so maybe knowing we have 'one more' helps. Our doctor, though, actually said he wants to talk about next steps since this is #3. Not sure what that means but I'm setting up an appt in this 2ww because I want to know our next plans if this one doesn't work.

I'm not running the 1/2 marathon this weekend. I'm abstaining from my beloved bik.ram yoga (hot yoga) and I'm not riding my bike to work anymore (for now).

I slept 10 hours last night. 10 hours!! I'm going to assume I'm pregnant for now.

(I know, I know, it's probably impossible to be pregnant this quickly much less feel the side effects).

I also said I wouldn't tell my parents about this cycle, telling my husband "no good could come of telling them" and of course, I broke down and told them. (The 1/2 marathon is in their 'hood and I just couldn't say "I haven't trained enough for it" because they know about my 2 recent 10 mile runs...).

And I told them, please, to not get excited because we don't know and it's harder for me when they (and by they, I mean my mom) gets excited... but then she proceeded to say "Glad you lost weight but maybe you'll gain it all back" and "Maybe next year when you do the 1/2 marathon, I can babysit". She was trying but couldn't help it.

Ok, so she's getting carried away... which is what I didn't want. (But if I'm going to assume I'm going to be pregnant, then why can't they??? If I can get excited about pregnancy, they should be able to too).

Fri, May 14 is my blood test. And of course I already bought an early home pregnancy test to do either 1-2 days before that. We fly out for a long weekend to St. Petersburg, FL for B's cousin's wedding, so I'm hoping it will be a celebratory weekend or a much needed trip away.

Here's to a peaceful 2 ww!

Face.book Postings This Week

Have you posted anything on face.book this week about infertility? That is, if you're still using face.book?

I've wanted to so badly. In January, a friend of mine posted this on face.book:

Put this as your status if you or somebody you know has suffered BABY LOSS or INFERTILITY. ♥♥♥ The majority won't put it on, because unlike cancer, baby loss/infertility is a taboo. ♥♥♥ Break the silence. ♥♥♥ In Memory of all the ~Angel~ babies gone too soon but never forgotten, and the babies who were not possible but are so loved.

I was too chicken to do something similar then. Today, as I ran into this post at Being Jamie Lynn - a new blogger I found from ICLW, I was struck again by how I should post something. It's nagging me.

Jamie's generally asking us how 'out' we are about our infertility...

How out are you? And is being out on face.book different?

It is for me, for some reason. I'm out to my close friends & family. I'm out to my church family. But I can't (yet) be 'out' on face.book.

It's a much larger group, for one. And I don't know that I'm prepared for the response. I'm not sure what the response would be, if any. I think I'm also scared of no response.

Let's face it. Infertility is still considered taboo. People don't know how to respond. So, they respond stupidly ignorantly. Or they don't respond at all. Both of which are hurtful. Resolve has a great site for friends & family here.

As part of National Infertility Awareness Week, Resolve is encouraging us to post something along these lines on our social media pages:

Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. www.resolve.org/takecharge

(I might add that this is Nat'l Infertilty Awareness Week or something too.)

Can I do it? Can you? Have you? I'm curious what reactions you've had when you've outed yourself on face.book...

And I wonder if we're making this too much of a keep-it-to-ourselves type of thing. How can we expect it to not be taboo anymore if we continue to keep it all inside?

Ready for IUI & No Running (Thank You!)

I am READY!! Yay!

We are triggering tonight for IUI on Thurs. I feel really good about this. I have one follicle that is 26mm - that's really good. I haven't had one that big yet. Another is 18 and then a bunch of medium-sized ones. Potential chance of multiples my doc says.

Because this is IUI #3 he says he would set up an appt to discuss other options if this doesn't work. I think I want to do that during the 2ww because I want to be prepared with an action plan if this one doesn't work.

And as for running the 1/2 marathon this weekend... I won't. Thanks for all your advice about it yesterday. I guess I wasn't thinking straight. I'll check with my doctor but I'd much rather be on the safer side for this. Only hard part is fibbing to my parents. The race was up near where they live and I really don't want to tell them about this IUI so I think I'm just going to tell them that I don't think I've trained enough for it...

Thanks again for all your support!!

NOT Self-Injecting was... GREAT!

After having to self-inject on Friday (= nightmare), B got to give me the next shot last night.

I've never thought something was so heavenly in my life. I didn't have to prepare the needles, iced myself to numbness, got to look away while he did this and I didn't feel a thing. Not even after (where I sometimes feel stinging). It was remarkable.

I wonder if ice really is the trick. And really can't believe I didn't think of that sooner.

Day 11 appt tomorrow so we'll know whether we trigger or not for a Thurs IUI. Hope everything is looking good.

I feel much more at peace about all of this now. (Maybe it's the hormones - the good ones - talking...). I think knowing that this is IUI #3 and that we said we'd re-assess after #4, makes it seem like some outcome is going to happen sooner and it's not this big hole. At least for now.

If we have the IUI on Thurs or Fri, I'm hoping that running a 1/2 marathon on Sunday won't be bad... I hear not to do activity the day itself, but a few days later shouldn't matter, right?

Any advice out there on this??

Self-Injecting was... Ok

It wasn't great. In fact, it was very angst-ridden.

Due to travel and unexpectedly not having my travel buddy, I had to self-inject for my IUI shot for the first time ever. Not fun. Halfway through I was really wishing I had looked up a nurse on craigs.list to help me or something!

For those of you who told me about ice - thank you!!!! I don't know why I hadn't thought of that even before. There's no way I could have done this without ice. Must have ice from now on.

So, I was sitting there in the hotel room with my husband on the phone trying to figure out the different needles and how to deal with the vials. It's much more complicated than I had thought. I have to say, much as I don't think I want to do this again on my own, I'm glad I know what actually goes on instead of looking away the whole time B is preparing these shots for me.

It felt like it an hour, maybe 1/2 hour, forever. Longer than expected. And there were 2 shots - yes, my dosage came in two. Ugh. And I had no idea how hard it is to actually push the syringe part down into you. Not the needle into you but once that's in, then pushing the stuff actually into you. That was the hardest, really.

When it was all said and done, I just kept crying. The stress of it all, plus the stinging. Even with ice.

It's done. I have some bruising. Sunday night, B can do this for me, only this time I'll actually know what he's doing.

Greater cause... greater cause. It's all for our little one who just hasn't shown themself yet!

So, thank you again, everyone for your support - that was awesome!!

***********
Now, to enjoying the rest of my time in Chicago! Off to a bik.ram yoga class this morning and then will do some much needed shopping!

Scared of the Self-Injection

It will be my first and I'm a big baby. I commend all the IVFers out there who likely have had/have to do injections themselves...

Ugh. I'm in Chicago for work (yay, I love this city!) and decided to stay through Saturday to see a close friend and was hoping she could do it for me Friday night. Turns out, she needed to leave town on an emergency family visit... so I'm left all alone to figure this out.

How am I going to do this? I look away everytime someone inserts a needle in me. And now I have to do this myself????

Ok, great cause, greater cause. I know.

Can I just aim and still look away? Somehow?

Seriously, any advice? :)

April ICLW & Article

Welcome April ICLW!

It's that great time of the month (ha, ha, get it?) when we all branch out, visit other blogs and LEAVE COMMENTS & where the virtual hugging goes a bit crazy! Yay! Thank you for stopping by, if you're new.

My quick story is on the right, but basically, married 3 1/2 years, ttc about 2 1/2 years, 2 IUIs, one of them resulting in a chemical pregnancy for which I had to dissolve with methotraxtate last Thanksgiving. I've gone through a painful period especially since then but the blogging world has helped tremendously. And we've decided to do IUI #3 this cycle.

One other quick thing that I'd like to share is an article called The Psychological Component of Infertility. Rachel from The Pughs pointed me to Lisa at Worship While I Wait, who posted the article on her blog here, when I was having a hard time this weekend and I'm so grateful because this article validates everything (almost) I've been feeling - I'm sure you'll feel the same way. Someone (not sure if it's Lisa) underlined throughout the article, which makes it a lot easier to read since it's kinda long.

Have a tissue box nearby when you read it. Trust me. In advance, I give you all (((hugs))) when you read it.

Why Wait Any Longer?

After having cried for much of the weekend, I decided that enough's enough. No more waiting. It's time for another IUI.

I don't want to sit idle anymore. And that's what this feels like. I'm only crying because of the heartache I feel for wanting to have children and for what it's doing to me to not be able to... right now.

Yes, I'm scared to take the plunge. And scared of what a negative result will do to my state of mind. But I'm also not willing to not do anything anymore. I've reached a point where Ineed to feel like I'm doing everything I can to not cry anymore.

Only thing I brought up was 'why don't we try naturally again this month instead of all the drugs, appointments, shots, expense & heightened expectations?'  B had a good point - I feel like we've been trying that and it isn't working.

Much as I would like to avoid all of the above and really just conceive the old natural way, it may be time to do this again. It's been 5 months since the last failed IUI which resulted in a methotrextate shot to dissolve a pregnancy thought to be ectopic. I'm willing to hope again. Or at least willing to start IUI #3 knowing that our reconsideration point would be a failed IUI #4.

I made a hasty decision yesterday. I called the fertility clinic and made my Day 3 appt for today. And my follicles look good.

Only thing is... if the doctor calls this afternoon to move forward with IUI, I'm traveling to Chicago later this week for work, which means I'll either have to self-administer my Day 9 shot or see if the friend I'm staying with can. I'm such a baby when it comes to this and have so much empathy for IVFers. I've had my husband available to do them for me in the past. Oh well. I guess I've got to grow up!

Here's to possibly IUI #3...

Having a Hard Time With Others' Babies...and Time

I'm having a hard time right now. It's not even that I'm having a hard time with others' babies in general, it's that I'm having a hard time wanting to spend time with the babies I know. Wanting to put in that effort.

I know that as soon as I do, I enjoy it. But it takes a lot of energy to get to being there. And I'm mad at myself for not putting in the extra effort.

I've mentioned a couple of times how The Infertile Mind has inspired me to spend more time with my nephews. Yes, she's inspired me alright... but have I done anything about it? No.

I don't want to be that person who is down. I don't want to be the person who doesn't want to get to know her best friend's baby better. I don't want my best friend to take it personally that I'm not craving to spend time with her baby. I don't want to be a bad aunt by not going out of my way more to be with my nephews.

I also know that it probably has everything to do with infertility. That, and a busy job, where all I want to do on the weekends is get my household chores done and REST.

And does work have more to do with it than I think? Why do I feel drained so much? I'm focusing on a great job that takes up more time than 40 hrs/week, I'm focusing on losing weight, I'm focusing on yoga and doing a 1/2 marathon, I'm focusing on my marriage.  I'm focusing on my church. And what's left? A tiny bit of time for doing some life necessities (laundry, groceries, etc) and spending time with friends.

I have another friend who now lives 45 mins away and everytime she asks me to do something, I feel like she's taking a piece of me that I can't give right now. I LOVE this friend. Every time I see her I'm so grateful for her.

So, how did I get to be this person? And do I force myself to do these things knowing that I'll be glad I did?? I don't know what to do!!

May Have to Hide My Friend on FB

Actually, I may have to hide my sister-in-law's sister-in-law on face.book. Yes, complicated. She's like family. We see her enough, and now thansk to face.book, have gotten to know her enough for her to feel like family.

And she's 5 or 6 weeks pregnant at this point. I blogged about her last week. She posted her positive pee stick on fb stating "Woohoo". The very same pee stick I took last fall. After 2 years of ttc and 2 IUIs. Except mine didn't make it to 6 weeks.

She's had her doctor's appt and is going back in 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat. She's not posting constantly about it. And in fact, those are the only 2 postings. Oh, and that she's eating for two now. Please.

And you know what? I hate that I sound this sarcastic. I hate that this has to be about me and not her. I hate that IF has robbed me of the innocence and joy of pregnancies. I've become bitter and I don't like it.

I wish I could be more positive and say, I'm not going to let this affect me and I'll be genuinely happy for her. But, I think I may just have to hide her, and maybe just go look at what she's posted every now & then. Or maybe only before the next time I see her.

If I hide her, though, I don't want to miss a significant moment for her and not comment. (I'm a fairly big fb commenter). What do I do???

First Blog Award!

I got my first blog award over a month ago from Among the Blossoms here but was so overwhelmed at the time that I put it on hold. I also didn't know many bloggers yet and wanted to make sure I got to know other bloggers well enough to pass this on!

So, thank you Jenny!

Here are the rules: List 10 things that make your day and then give this award to 10 bloggers.

Ten Things That Make My Day:
1. My loving husband
2. The love I have for my job
3. My renewed faith & amazing church community
4. This blogging world
5. My health and love for running, biking, swimming, hiking & bik.ram yoga
6. CHOCOLATE!!!!
7. coffee
8. water (the caterers at our wedding wanted to make sure I had my favorite drink - I kept saying 'water'
9. Random acts of kindnesses (in fact, I am thinking of potentially starting a new blog down the road with this theme in mind)
10. Loving family & the good friends we choose as our family
 
I want to add a few more because I felt like I had to get the 'must-have's' in there...
11. playing games like App.les to App.les, Tab.oo, Cele.brities
12. cake batter ice cream
13. fuji apples or red delicious apples when they're really crispy
14. the beach
15. playing favorite songs on repeat
16. great authors like Bar.bara King.solver
17. O.prah and the O magazine
 
Ten Blogs I Pass This Award On To:
(and I think it's important to either say why or describe the blog/person a bit)

1. Determined to Have Joy - I've just felt this amazing connection with Shanel. She is so very positive and yet puts it all out there with her honesty & struggles. I have only known her for a couple of months but can tell that she has an amazing spirit! She's also losing weight & feeling good, which motivates me!
2. The Road Less Traveled - Rebecca was one of my first commenters. I was immediately drawn to her from her and she's been incredibly supportive. She's a great writer too and is just about to pass her first trimester!
3. The Infertile Mind - I found her somehow one Saturday morning and proceeded to spend the next 2 hours pouring through her entire blog. She's an amazing writer, is incredibly creative and just has a way of putting things into perspective. She's taught me a lot on feeding our niece/nephew relationships. She also holds a wonderful e-class on IF that you should check out next time she's running it!
4. Bean Stalk Ballads - I just love this blog. It's so refreshing to me. Who would have thought that I can connect to this incredibly strong and sensitive lesbian couple's journey in Australia? And I love that I can & that Em is one blogger I always look forward to updates from! And her weight loss & exercise has inspired me!
5. I Will Be a Mom Someday - Hannah has an incredible way of praying. She's taught me a lot about how to pray. And I love the photo of the back of her wedding dress!
6. Find Joy Now - More than just the name of this blog, I love that jrs is so very fun & always there with support.
7. A Little Blog About the Big Infertility - Jess is relatively new to me and I've really enjoyed her. I love the picture she has on her blog of her on the table at the doctor's office complete with ultrasound wand! And that she has picks of national parks too. She's having a hard time right now and could use some support.
8. Hopes and Dreams for Us - I really like Sweet Pea's signature! I love her updates & her 2010 goals make me strive to try some of them! She's also doing a C25K (couch to 5K) which is inspiring!
9. The Maybe Baby (Babies) - She's had a difficult journey yet I love how she can share in a captivating way the way she's memorialized the loss of her babies with trees and how it's her favorite run to get there. She's also encouraged me on my runs, which I so appreciate!
10. The Pughs - Rachel is new-ish to me too and her being from Charleston is extra-special since it has special meaning to me and my husband. Oops - she's from Alabama, my mistake!!, but now I've gotta love Alabama :) I really enjoy her positivity, all the colorful pictures she posts and the strength she gets from her church family.

This was extremely hard since I enjoy so very many blogs. I hope you may find some new ones you like & can connect to based on the Awards I'm passing on! :)

Why Did I Have to Tell Her?

Things have been good between me and my mom lately. It's been good because I haven't been telling her anything about how I've been feeling about infertility. And she's been sensitive to not bring it up or even slip in anything about babies/children.

It's been a HUGE relief.

But then, I went ahead and told her. I went ahead and told her how upsetting it was for me to find about my sister-in-law's sister-in-law's pregnancy on face.book on Wed.

(And, no, that's not a typo... this person pretty much feels like a sister-in-law and is close to the family as I explained in my last post) :)

So my mom starts saying how I can't have everything and that I have a great career, a great house, blah, blah and I just tuned out because 1) I know she was just trying to somehow be nice or be positive for me and 2) I just really didn't want to get all riled up.

But... I am riled up. I don't even remember how we finished the conversation but that kind of stuff is just upsetting to me. Why can't she just say "I know this is hard for you" and just leave it at that. That's it. I certainly DON'T want any 'this is my cross to bear' bullcrap.

I know she said 'It won't always be like this' and 'I thought of you when I saw that posting' or something like that and I know she's just trying to be helpful but why does this have to be so cyclical with her? Why can't she just stick to being empathetic and leave it at that.

The thing is, I want to say something to her again about how best to help me but I'm not sure how to. She's super sensitive so I've just chosen to not say anything about any of this, but that's not an authentic relationship, is it?

Thought I Was Ok...

I really thought I was ok. Or at least better. Or at the very least focused on something else.

But it seeped in... in no time.

Yesterday, I saw a mom with two cute twin toddlers and I thought I really want kids. And then this morning Where's My Stork wrote this post called I Want to be Pregnant... NOW and I felt the EXACT same way.

And then, as a blow, my sister-in-law's sister-in-law, who is relatively close to the family, announced on face.book today that she was pregnant by posting a picture of her positive test stick - the same one I took in Nov that showed I was pregnant before the miscarriage. And it bummed me out.

So, I'm really bummed out. And am reaching out, hoping by getting my feelings out there and getting your supportive words, thoughts, hugs and prayers, I'll feel better...

Awesome S*x

Yes, we had that kind of Saturday this weekend. :)

And then my mind started playing games on me... those very few times where we have s*x and I don't think about my cycle at all. And as I was basking in my awesomeness state, I thought - how cool would it be if I got pregnant the one time in a long time when I didn't actually think about it and one of the few times recently where I've been able to let go enough to have awesome s*x?

But then I started analyzing things more... and even though I'm around 2 weeks in, I think I was a few days too late.

Oh well.

Maybe it will happen one day. Where I can let go completely, enjoy myself profusely, and have a baby the way we're supposed to have babies.

Maybe.

New Lease on Life

I feel like I've been given a new lease on life.

I had my annual review at work this week and it went so well. Better than I expected. I love my job. And I feel truly blessed for it. I have a zest of life for it. That's lucky. I recognize that.

My boss gave me a much higher raise than I expected. He went to bat for me by putting in a special exception increase. I'm in HR. I manage the special increases, yet he did this as a surprise for me.

I manage HR for a growing mid-size company and my boss, the CFO (hopefully soon to be COO) and CEO see promise in me. I've delivered, no doubt, but it's nice to get back what I preach to our managers - appreciate your top performers!!

And I've been given a gift - the gift of a new opportunity. We're expanding into India and I will be managing this endeavor. Wow. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I know I'll do it. That's a good confidence kinda feeling. And I'm half Indian so this is especially meaningful to me.

Most of all, it's given me this new zest for life. I'm so incredibly excited about this. This may sound utterly crazy, but I actually don't want to get pregnant right now anymore. I know, I know. I've learned that us infertiles have little control over timing...

But I'm truly excited about this opportunity. And it's gotten my focus and attention away from the 'what if's' of growing our family. I'm excited about something else!!! For once. For once it feels like in a really long time. And that feels amazing.

I feel like God has finally shown up to give me grace through this opportunity.