Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Here's What You Say

Connecting to the IF (infertility) blogging world has been amazing for me. I hate that there's so much misery out there regarding this and it's not fair, but I'm grateful we have each other if we're going to go through it.

I couldn't help and read Stirrup Queens (she's the central point of all IF bloggers it seems) abbreviations and was amazed to see this one:

You-just-suffered-a-terrible-loss-and-I-don’t-know-what-to-say-so-I’ll-pretend-that-I-don’t-see-you (or a YJSATLAIDKWTSSIPTIDSY): a move some fertile women do when they see a woman they know has recently lost a child (from this entry).

Wow. That's my mother-in-law over Thanksgiving and Christmastime. Holy moly! That's my whole in-law family during that time.

The week before Thanksgiving, we had just learned we were pregnant. So, we knew for 1 week that we were pregnant but my levels weren't rising the way they should. One week later, they declared an abnormal pregnancy thinking it was ectopic. So, they dissolved it. THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

My in-laws were in town that day. I come home from the doctor and was miserable. And what do they say??? Nothing. NOTHING. Can you believe it? Ok, to her credit, she came and gave me a hug that evening but nothing other than that. So, I guess at least that's something... but still.

She questioned my husband that evening 'is this like a normal miscarriage?'... which I take to mean - if I wasn't profusely bleeding or something, that lessens the fact that this is a miscarriage.

We were pregnant. For 1 week we knew this. And somehow my loss doesn't count as much because I'm not on the floor bleeding.

So yeah, I feel like she and the whole family just didn't say anything because they didn't know what to say.

  • I'm so sorry you're going through this.
  • How are you feeling?
  • This must be hard for you.
  • Is there anything I can do to help?
  • Do you need a hug?
  • I love you.

Is that so hard? Is that too much to ask???

C'mon people!





  1. I am so sorry for the reaction of your in-laws to your miscarriage. I don't know what it is about pregnancy loss that seems to cancel out the symapthy gene in people. I haven't even said anything to my in-laws at all about what we're going through because I know I won't be able to handle their responses and reactions.

    That being said, thanks for visiting my blog. I'm sorry you're stuck here in IF hell with the rest of us, but I'm glad we have each other. Wishing you luck and peace on your journey.

  2. I like the "here's what you say" list. You could print it on little cards, get it laminated, and hand them out. Actually, it's a great little list for lots of situations. Sickness, death, loss, anytime you want to be supportive, but not sure what to say. I think you're on to something. If you make a bunch of money on those laminated cards I expect a cut.

    Thanks for the comment over at my site.

  3. It is so hard when people are so insensitive and ignore the situation, but it is even worse when it is family! I am sorry that they have been so unsupportive!