Monday, February 22, 2010

When's the Right Time to Try Again?

B. and I can't agree.

What's next? When is next? When do we try again? How long of a break do I need? So, so hard. How much of a break do I take when all I really want is that baby??? Isn't it somewhat pointless to take a break then?

I know, I know. I've read from enough of you that grief takes time to process and taking time is ok.

But how much? B. was just asking me if I'd be ready to try again this spring. I told myself in Dec to take a year off. I keep seeing blurry images in my head of what our kids look like (both natural and/or adopted... just in case it has to be one or the other... or maybe both?).

He's not ready to adopt. I think I am. Though I have NO idea what all is involved with it... yet. So, we're at a cross-roads there. And I'm not ready to do the drugs, the appts, the hoping, etc. I'm not even ready to just mark my calendar and try without all this stuff.

I've made lots of plans for myself this year - get my body back in shape (7 lbs lost so far since the Thanksgiving miscarriage thanks to Weight Watchers & hot yoga), do a 1/2 marathon in May, an Olympic distance triathlon in July, a century bike ride in Oct.

Cool, huh? But where is the balance on filling my time with these awesome things, feeling like I'm not putting my life on hold AND putting what I really want on hold because I can't face the hope/hopelessness right now.

What do you guys do?


  1. I don't think we really ever stopped trying at any point. (Though we never had to deal with a miscarriage either, so I can't comment on that part of it.) We went from IUIs to knowing we were moving and needed IVF so we did acupuncture/traditional chinese medicine while we waited to move. I had an appointment with the new RE in our new state 4 days after our new insurance kicked in and we went straight to IVF.

    But if you ask me if I'm ready to try again now and the answer is definitely "no." I'm not ready for the heartache again yet and am very happy to be pouring my energy into adoption instead.

    Speaking of adoption, feel free to throw quesitons my way about your options. It's all so confusing it's hard to figure out where to start. I spent forever looking for a website that would break all of my choices down into a decision tree and never found one. I'm actually still batting around the idea of making one myself...

  2. First I am sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. I think you know in your heart when you are ready to try again but sometimes the emotions take over and we second guess ourselves. We are scared and fearful of the future and not wanting to get hurt again.

    I commend you on taking on some new goals ! Awesome idea ! As a veteran infertile, I put my life on hold for the past 7+ years and wished I didn't. Do what you LOVE & enjoy it !



  3. I tried again as soon as my betas went down to zero. It was way, way, way too soon. I miscarried in May and did another round of treatments in August. I was nowhere near emotionally ready but I didn't want to wait any longer.

    After that, I took several months off. It was hard at first to not be cycling-to not be actively working at the thing I want the most. But the more distance I got, the easier it was for me to see I needed the break. I found a great therapist, started working on the emotional aspects of my journey, and was much more well-prepared to begin again the following spring.

    That being said, you have to do what's right for you. Had someone told me not to try again right away, I would've ignored them.

    I wish you luck and peace as you face these decisions.

  4. That is tough. I think I am in the same boat. What to do, what to do. Every option is so hard. I think that's great you have some non family goals like exercise to give you something else to focus to try to keep IF from taking over your life. That is what seems to work best for me.


  5. I have no experience with infertility but I have gone through stuff where I had to grieve, take my time and I didn't want to, didn't know what to do etc. I told myself to relax and wait. I was sure I would know when it was time. I'm the kind of person that is very impatient but...I waited, took my time and it was totally worth it. So I would say : do what feels right. Don't want to rush ? Then don't.

  6. It's hard to figure out which direction to go. Hope you find some sort of compromise that you both feel okay with. :)


  7. I am so very sorry for your loss. I went through quite a few miscarriages and, for me, trying again as soon as I could was the best think for my mental health. I know this doesn't work for everyone but it worked for me.


  8. I remember thinking, "I never want to do this again" so I gave myself some time after our 1st IVF ended in a chemical pregnancy. Four months later we tried a second IVF and it was a train wreck (no transfer). Again, I thought, "I'm done." After switching clinics I finally agreed to try one more time (4-5 months later). To me, there's no point in TTC on our own, so I haven't even paid attention to what day it is unless we're cycling. I realy admire your focus on other things that are healthy for you emotionally. You'll know when you're ready to try again. If no one has told you not to do those things, I say go for it. I am jealous -- my acupuncturist told me not to run and I really miss it.