Sunday Afternoon Musings

What a GREAT weekend! What a GREAT all-day date with my husband yesterday!

He's been working soooooo much lately that I just see him for a few hours at a time. But yesterday, he granted me from dawn till nightime! We read the paper, went out for a nice lunch where all I really wanted was a couple of cappuccinos, it was a gorgeous day here and warmer than normal with the sun shining brightly so we decided to walk about 2 miles to our afternoon event which was a ballet of the Great Gatsby.

It was INCREDIBLE! First, I LOVE the ballet. I did it as a kid and just think it's so beautiful. It was fun to get a literary combo out of this AND the music was amazing - just transporting you to the 20s, there were 2 AMAZING singers down with the band. The costumes were gorgeous, the set was so creative. It was GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!

Then we walked to an early dinner, stopping in this international, fair trade shop where we got a couple of CDs and he bought me a handbag I was eyeing as an early birthday present (not for 4 more weeks).

The restaurant was crowded, even at the early hour, so decided to have a drink at the bar while we waited and lo and behold - someone who went to my high school was our bartender! We had so much fun catching up that we decided to have dinner at the bar too!

And let's just say ... the day started and ended out just perfectly :)

Hope you all had a great weekend too or can at least live a bit vicariously... at least for the ballet part!

Giuliana & Bill Rancic on The View

For those who don't subscribe to Resolve's emails, the Exec Director, Barbara Collura, sent out a note yesterday saying (and I'm going to tweak slightly):

On Thursday I tuned into ABC’s The View to watch two RESOLVE volunteers share their personal stories. Much to my surprise, the entire HOUR of the show was dedicated to infertility. They had a doctor talking about the facts, celebrity couple Giuliana & Bill Rancic talking about their pursuit to be parents, and three personal stories from people, just like you and me. Even Barbara Walters and Sherri Shephard (who host The View) opened up and talked about their own infertility.

I had to pinch myself. A nationally syndicated show was talking about something that RESOLVE has been talking about for 35 years.

I am so proud of our volunteers, Kate, her husband Keith, and Risa who put their own fears aside and stepped forward to talk about their journey so others know they are not alone.

Every day RESOLVE works hard to make an impact on the lives of people diagnosed with infertility. Today, The View played a big role in the impact we will continue to make.

If you were unable to tune in, please take the time to watch the interviews. Click here and watch episode 2/25.

You can part of the RESOLVE impact. Learn more about RESOLVE.

Ok - I'm back - a little disappointing that they focused on her weight so much but great to see how open they are about it all! And the segment with the Resolve people was disappointing too - not them but the way that the moderators asked the questions. Seemed like not very sensitive. Maybe I'm just used to watching Oprah who has a totally different style...

Hot Yoga Lesson Tonight

Thurs night teacher is great. As some of you know, I do bik.ram hot yoga & love it. Tonight's teacher is the one that had the buddhism thoughts last week that I blogged about with this post called Hot Yoga & Buddhism Applied to IF.

Well, tonight she said:

"Relax like it's your job"

I liked it. Not for the 'just relax' comments we often get, but truly for us because we can get so stressed out, overwhelmed and all-consumed with IF.

What if we all relaxed like it was our jobs? :)

What Do YOU See in the Mirror?

This post from the 2009 Creme de la Creme list by If You Only Knew made me reflect & inspired me to pose the question to myself and to you:

We all feel changed by infertility - some on the outside (weight gain anyone?), most on the inside (hope/hopelessness, anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy, shall I keep going?).

So, yes, I've been affected by all of that and more. So, what's looking back at me?

• loving wife
•  caring daughter-sister-aunt-friend (Infertile Mind has inspired me to be a better aunt! read her, she's inspiring in many ways!)
• good at my HR job
• great manager
• enjoy athleticism (running, swimming, biking, hiking especially)
• gotten into hot yoga (not good at it, but makes me feel good!)
• committed to Weight Watchers again (did it in 2001) (and have lost 7 lbs so far... just 5 more to go - those creepy 12 lbs post-marriage, post bcp weight)
• lover of great writers and books that you stay up too late to read
• love all things cheesy & sappy (Delilah anyone?)
• love to laugh
• like being creative but isn't necessarily so!
• love, love, love random acts of kindnesses

What do you see?

When's the Right Time to Try Again?

B. and I can't agree.

What's next? When is next? When do we try again? How long of a break do I need? So, so hard. How much of a break do I take when all I really want is that baby??? Isn't it somewhat pointless to take a break then?

I know, I know. I've read from enough of you that grief takes time to process and taking time is ok.

But how much? B. was just asking me if I'd be ready to try again this spring. I told myself in Dec to take a year off. I keep seeing blurry images in my head of what our kids look like (both natural and/or adopted... just in case it has to be one or the other... or maybe both?).

He's not ready to adopt. I think I am. Though I have NO idea what all is involved with it... yet. So, we're at a cross-roads there. And I'm not ready to do the drugs, the appts, the hoping, etc. I'm not even ready to just mark my calendar and try without all this stuff.

I've made lots of plans for myself this year - get my body back in shape (7 lbs lost so far since the Thanksgiving miscarriage thanks to Weight Watchers & hot yoga), do a 1/2 marathon in May, an Olympic distance triathlon in July, a century bike ride in Oct.

Cool, huh? But where is the balance on filling my time with these awesome things, feeling like I'm not putting my life on hold AND putting what I really want on hold because I can't face the hope/hopelessness right now.

What do you guys do?

Saturday Morning Therapy - With You!

I can't believe I started my blog just 3 weeks ago... and it has been SUCH a therapeutic 3 weeks. My husband keeps saying he's so happy for me that I've found this.

And it's two-fold:

1. I'm glad I have this writing outlet for every up, down and in between that goes through my head & heart
2. I'm so, so glad I have you fellow bloggers out there to read about & get your comments

I just spent the last hour going through various people's updates, re-reading comments and seeing other people you follow and who comment on you. What an AMAZING community this is! Makes my heart happy that we all have each other.

Thanks for my Saturday morning therapy! :)

Hot Yoga & Buddhism Applied to IF

I've really gotten into hot yoga (bik.ram). If you haven't tried it and it's in your city, I highly recommend it. I never was able to get into the 'regular' kinds of yoga because I always found myself a bit bored and wanting to get up and RUN instead. But hot yoga feels like an amazing stretch, stregthening/weight lifting, and RUN all in one!

I used to go 1-2x/month all last year after a friend introduced me to it. It's pretty expensive and I was training for a 1/2 marathon but I kept coming back. And the when I wanted to lose extra weight, I thought, my ticket is going to be hot yoga (& Weig.ht Wat.chers).

It's hard stuff. Takes 1 1/2 hours. Most instructors are great and in the last 2 months that I've been going 3-4x/week, I've gotten to know a lot of them well.

Yesterday's was GREAT. She kept adding snippets of meditative/life advice type stuff, which, depending on the person and what's being said may annoy me but she was AWESOME. So, she said something like this:

"Buddhism teaches us to not focus on what is missing in our lives

but to live life as 'is' and be at peace with that"

It totally got me yesterday. She must have said it better (and she also didn't claim to be an expert on buddhim). Because what I just wrote didn't 'get me' again right now.

Oh well. Hopefully you get the point. I know we all try, try, try to live in the moment and be happy for what we have but it at least hit me yesterday and I'll try to carry that with me today, tomorrow and beyond. Hope it works for you too.

We're Not Going to See the Newborn!

YEA! Just a quick update. Thanks for your kind thoughts this week.

Had a good cry letting it all out to B one night this week. We discussed whether we should still go or not to see this family friend's baby... after my cry, I thought, these family friends have been looking forward to us coming and I just needed to let it all out and felt better.

Well, low and behold - something came up and it's not going to work out on their end anymore and we'll likely go in the spring. I'm off the hook! I know that's not really the moral of this story but irony works in funny ways.

Stumped at Stupid Comment

I can't believe my mom said something stupid again today. She's been pretty good about not saying unnecessarily fluffy hopeful, positive and stupid things to me lately, but don't know how she slipped on this one.

I was telling her how excited I've been at having lost 7 lbs since Thanksgiving and how I fit into one of my pants that I haven't fit into in 2 years.

And then she says, "well, save your pants just in case".

And I, naively, said, "oh, I really hope I won't be able to fit into those anymore. I'm going to maintain this weight and lose some more!"

And then she says, "well, you might need them..."

And then I see where she's going with this. Ugh. Ridiculous. I really HATE when she mentions the 'just in case you get pregnant' bullcrap. It REALLY upsets me.

So, I said, "oh, you mean if I get pregnant? Yeah, well, we'll see...". It just stumped me. I didn't know what to say.

Conflicted to See a Friend's Newborn

So, we're traveling this weekend - 8 hours - to see a family friend's newborn. And I really don't want to go.

I'm horrible. I'm a horrible person for not wanting to go. I don't like this about myself.

Why does it have to conjure up such yucky feelings about what I don't have? And why do I have to be strong to make myself face this?

The Bean Stalks posted a timely entry for me here on facing these conflicting feelings. She decided to visit a pregnant friend of hers. And it wasn't easy. But she's glad she did. Thanks, Em!

How do I face this? What do I do???

Facebook (Taboo) Updates

Just read a post here from a fellow IF blogger on the Creme de la Creme list of best infertility posts. It's a post on how facebook status updates have become too much for her - they're all about friends' babies, what they're doing/not doing, pictures and sonogram pics. Just too much for someone in the pains of IF h-e-double hockey sticks.

I couldn't help but think of my dilemma with facebook: My status updates are not genuine. They're not the first thing that pops into my head - they're the second thing. The first thing is taboo. You don't post these thoughts:

• Got my period today, so no baby for me this month
• Yup, not pregnant again
• I'm sick of all these fertility drugs
• Well, that IUI didn't work
• I'm very sad about my miscarriage

And...

• I feel ready to adopt but my husband doesn't (yet) - what to do??

So... facebook to me is mostly about what I'm NOT posting. And what's interesting is that I recently saw someone post this on facebook:

Put this as your status if you or somebody you know has suffered BABY LOSS or INFERTILITY. ♥♥♥ The majority won't put it on, because unlike cancer, baby loss/infertility is a taboo. ♥♥♥ Break the silence. ♥♥♥ In Memory of all the ~Angel~ babies gone too soon but never forgotten, and the babies who were not possible but are so loved.

So nice. But I couldn't do it. Why? Because it's taboo. That's my problem with facebook updates... and life updates in general, some stuff is still taboo

Here's What You Say

Connecting to the IF (infertility) blogging world has been amazing for me. I hate that there's so much misery out there regarding this and it's not fair, but I'm grateful we have each other if we're going to go through it.

 

I couldn't help and read Stirrup Queens (she's the central point of all IF bloggers it seems) abbreviations and was amazed to see this one:

 

You-just-suffered-a-terrible-loss-and-I-don’t-know-what-to-say-so-I’ll-pretend-that-I-don’t-see-you (or a YJSATLAIDKWTSSIPTIDSY): a move some fertile women do when they see a woman they know has recently lost a child (from this entry).

 

Wow. That's my mother-in-law over Thanksgiving and Christmastime. Holy moly! That's my whole in-law family during that time.

 

The week before Thanksgiving, we had just learned we were pregnant. So, we knew for 1 week that we were pregnant but my levels weren't rising the way they should. One week later, they declared an abnormal pregnancy thinking it was ectopic. So, they dissolved it. THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

 

My in-laws were in town that day. I come home from the doctor and was miserable. And what do they say??? Nothing. NOTHING. Can you believe it? Ok, to her credit, she came and gave me a hug that evening but nothing other than that. So, I guess at least that's something... but still.

 

She questioned my husband that evening 'is this like a normal miscarriage?'... which I take to mean - if I wasn't profusely bleeding or something, that lessens the fact that this is a miscarriage.

 

We were pregnant. For 1 week we knew this. And somehow my loss doesn't count as much because I'm not on the floor bleeding.

 

So yeah, I feel like she and the whole family just didn't say anything because they didn't know what to say.

 

WELL, HERE'S WHAT YOU SAY:

• I'm so sorry you're going through this.
• How are you feeling?
• This must be hard for you.
• Is there anything I can do to help?
• Do you need a hug?
• I love you.

Is that so hard? Is that too much to ask???

 

C'mon people!

 

 

 

Adopting Awesome-ness

I've been contemplating adoption. Whole other blog post for that but just discovered this post from the 2009 Creme de la Creme list on

The Awesome-ness of Being an Adoptive Mom

I don't know much about any of this but sums up a lot of what I've been thinking about. #8 was eye-opening.

Pretty awesome list, huh?

So-Not-Zen

It happened again.

I thought I was armed this time - I had thought about all my blessings and realized that I am lucky. I have (mostly) everything I could ever want...and I could be patient with the one thing missing.

And then we got an email from friends of ours who are expecting their second. And I cried. I couldn't stop crying. Really bad crying. Then, as always, I feel bad for not being happy for them.

These are friends of ours who told us they were scheduled for a fertility treatment 1 year after no success and then boom! They got pregnant. With their 1 year old now, I'm happy for them. I am. But, I'm sad for me.

And I'm miffed that she said to me as we were getting ready for our 1st fertility treatment - "oh maybe you'll get pregnant too, like we did & you won't have to do the treatment". And, of course, for every seeming stupid comment like this, I have a hard time understanding her positivity for us and instead just want to ___________(fill in not nice thought here).

Ok, so then I thought, let me go to yoga to feel more zen about this. And all through yoga, I'm so-not-zen. Coming back from yoga - so-not-zen. Want to cry again so-not-zen.

What to do??

Where is God's Grace in All of This?

My pastor preached a sermon last weekend on The Suffering on the Innocent. It had me thinking a lot, especially about my last entry on Blessings.

Surely, I'm not innocent. I'm nowhere near perfect and I've done my share of sinning. But I can't help but be angry about my situation. And I can't help but feel, well at least I don't have cancer or my parents are still alive or whatever else enters my mind about all of our blessings.

What makes me angrier is how upset I feel hearing about others' pregnancies. How unfair is that! Can't I just fricken be happy for these people??? What is wrong with me!!!!!

And it mostly happens in church. Again, don't know if it's just me being more vulnerable in church as I'm worshipping (makes me sound like a crazy Christian - I'm one of those ultra-liberal Christians by the way).

This past Sunday in church it happened again. Only two young couples this time with their amazingly cute babies, and I can't help but feel why not us, God?? Why do we have to keep waiting??

How do I carry my pain with grace in all of this - and especially at church - where I'm supposed to be most 'Jesus-like' and genuinely happy for others and what they have...

For those to whom I'm closest to, I KNOW that if I just hold their babies, I'll feel God's grace. There's just something about feeling like you're a part of it all that makes a difference.

So, after service, I made a bee-line toward my friend's 4 month old and just held him. And felt God's grace.

Blessings

We are so blessed.

We have a wonderful marriage, loving families, good health, fulfilling careers, a beautiful home, etc. Is it ok to want more? Is it ok to say I want children on top of all of that?

How does life work?
Does each person have their 'cross to bear'?
Is this ours?
If we get children, do we trade that for something else?

How much worse would that something else be??

Maybe I'm asking for too much, too soon. Maybe it's not that bad. I know we'll have a family - someday, somehow. We just don't know when or how yet...

Maybe it is a blessing to know that at least we'll get there someday, somehow...