Why Not Adopt?

 I know why I can't adopt but this nagging thing in my mind keeps surfacing asking me again and again, almost like I need to prove it to myself why I can't. So let me list the reasons right here:

• I'd have to convince B
• We're old, we don't have the energy we once had
• We're old, and unlikely to get picked
• There would be a whole new checklist of things to do
• I don't know if I could bare further loss if someone changed their mind
• My mental health has been pushed to its limits and I need to take care of me
• I want to have enough energy for D and my marriage

I still see all of that and think why I can't I just persevere through all of that if what I really want is a second child??

Such a big part of who I am is going after what I want. When I was told I couldn't run, I played soccer anyway; when I was told I'd go to community college, I didn't let that stand in the way of going to a 4-year school; I've lived abroad; I've traveled a lot; I moved downtown without much emotional support, etc. 

My brother toasted me on the night before our wedding and said "When you want something, you just go after it, girl!"

And it's true and was so true with having D come into our lives. I persevered BIG TIME for that, even at the expense of my mental health. 

I also strongly do not want to operate my life out of fear - in fact this sits on a shelf right infront of my bed:

But D's here now and that makes it different. We're older too. And I'm facing mental health issues again. And maybe it's not fear that is driving my decision but it's what feels right for right now in our lives and knowing that the whole process isn't easy ( to the "why don't you just adopt!" people) and there's risk with further loss without the guarantee that it would work, and I've just been through too much.

I guess as much as I would've wanted another child (and would accept a healthy baby right now if one landed in my lap), I don't know that I can put myself through all of that without the guarantee.

And maybe if I wasn't a mother, it would be different and I would persevere and do it. But I am a mom and I need to think of being the best mom to him and the best person to me.

So I guess my hope is that I'm leading a happy life. I want to get to a place where I feel resolved about it, knowing it'll probably still hurt in the future at times that I don't have another child, but where I can feel so blessed about what we do have because I have so much to feel blessed about.

PS - my increased meds have also gotten me back to feeling more like myself so I'm also grateful to not be feeling blah anymore. :)

Feeling Blah

 Trying to get over this loss has really left me feeling blah. I can't believe I'm dealing with depression and anxiety again. My therapist actually doesn't think I'm depressed - we did an inventory and it doesn't seem so but it sure feels like depression. She says it's grief. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Two weeks ago, I called my psychiatrist to get back on meds. I thought starting at a small dosage would be good but after a week I didn't feel anything different, then we upped it a bit more and still nothing. I'm hoping I can up it again this week and feel better and if not, maybe upping it even more.

I've heard that many people have had to increase their meds during co.vid so it wouldn't surprise me if I had to. I just feel like I'm dealing with a whole lot more than "just grief".

Work isn't going great. I haven't loved Mondays in awhile... and in fact, I'm writing this at 9am on a Monday because I don't feel like diving into work. It's been hard for two reasons: 1) I think my performance has suffered as a result of all these grief feelings and 2) I feel like I'm being unfairly scrutinized by top leadership for the diversity practices I want to put in place which has led me to think more about whether this is really a place for me long-term or whether it's better I stay and try to make incremental progress. I just don't know if it'll ever get better between me and the leader of my company so I'm not quite sure what to do other than I know not do to anything now while I'm not feeling quite myself. 

I had an interview a couple of weeks ago for a position more senior to what I am now and I don't think it went well. I don't think I had that experience or the leader and I didn't jibe or I wasn't feeling super confident. There's part of me that feels like maybe it's better I hang up my hat on being a leader and go be number 2 somewhere else where it may be less stressful... who knows. I'll decide when my meds have me in a better place.

B has also been working A TON and not very present and having me feel like I'm doing more solo parenting and also making me feel like I can't really plan travel which I love and need to do. 

So I just did another trip with D solo to a state park which was really fun and I want to take advantage of Labor Day weekend but B won't commit just yet so I'm half tempted to just book the place and if he comes great and if not, D and I will go alone again which isn't really what I want. I want to take him tubing and think it'll be better with all of us. 

I just mostly want my energy and pep back. I'm sick of feeling this way and not myself. 

I also wonder if "turning the page on the calendar" tomorrow and not having it be August anymore will help. This was a tough month that's for sure.

Due Date Processing & This is Us

 Friday was so, so hard. Or at least it started that way.

I woke up crying into my pillow. It just sucked to have to face what that day was.

I then saw a beautiful text from K that I haven't been able to fully process till now. I just re-read it. I then got a text from my best friend, J. And both of those just made me loose it. I couldn't stop crying. 

I couldn't muster energy to exercise. Grief. It's strong. Couldn't exercise Thursday either.

I just kept crying in the car too. It just sucks. To think that that was the day I was supposed to get to meet and hold my baby... and instead my baby didn't get to grow, didn't get to make it, didn't get to be a part of our lives. 

And not just that baby, but the 5 total tries since D was born. That we had 5 embryos and we thought for sure, the next 1-2 would work... and the fact that we had to endure two early losses with my cousin, N. And then two failed attempts with K, (and for me to process that those 4 were girl embryos and that I'd been preparing that whole time that D would have a sister and that we'd get to use our perfect girl name(s). And then to then have that last one, the little boy, make us guess when the numbers weren't rising properly (was that a sign? no, they told us it wasn't), and to be so relieved that there was a heartbeat when we thought there was a good chance there wouldn't be, and to make it all the way to 14.5 weeks to have a defect. How does all of that happen to us???

I had painted some rocks with little A's name plus the two girl names... and then almost forgot them, we were a block away and came home to get them. Thank goodness. 

I wanted to release them pretty soon after we got in the water just to be able to move on. So we took them out and B said some nice things like 'we had so much love in our hearts for you to come into our lives' and then released them.

And it was cathartic. 

Our float/tubing was much quicker than we anticipated (an hour and a half, it had been raining a lot that week so the water was flowing more quickly than normal), so we decided to do it again. And so glad we did. It was almost like the first float was about processing the baby and the 'what could've beens' and the second float felt much lighter. Almost like a date. (We realized we hadn't spent time like that in awhile, just concerted time just the two of us).

We had gone to a store nearby beforehand to get lunch stuff. It was actually a store that was close to where D and I had recently gone to a goat farm and there were these nice decorative rocks there and I decided to get one. It felt like releasing the other rocks and then picking a rock as a 'move forward' rock felt right.

The saying feels a bit trite right now because of the show but it also feels right. 

I want to focus on my blessings. I want this other stuff behind us. 

So this is laying in our backyard right now and feels good.💗

You Are Loved

 Dear Little A,

I should be preparing to hold you today. Today's your due date and who knows when you might have chosen to come or if we would've had to induce you but I'm choosing to think you would've come today, on your due date.  That I would've been anticipating all day and hoping all would've been going well with your delivery and then welcoming you into my arms, getting to hold and coddle you, and love you. Finally. 

You would've gotten to become D's brother this day. And he would've loved you so much. (He loves babies). (I'm sure he would've been jealous, at least at first, but you would've loved you).

I'm really sad today. I'm sad I don't get to meet you. I'm sad that we worked so hard for you to come to our lives, into life, into our family, and it didn't work out. I'm sad I don't get to hold you. I'm sad I don't get to be your mommy.

I would do anything to have all of that come true. To have our dreams come true today.

I don't know why this happened or why it had to happen. I don't even really believe in reasons. I think it was completely random. That we got into the 2nd trimester and something still went wrong, that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly and your heart stopped beating. 

That was an awful day for me. I was so naive that I didn't even really think that that was a possibility. I thought they were just having trouble with the machine. 

It's weird to think I was even feeling guilt over having you work out, that after 5 attempts, you had finally worked and I was going to get my two kids, that you'd be one of them. I was feeling like why do I get to have my dreams come true? 

And the thing is I need to be sad today. I need to let it out and grieve your loss. 

And then I want to move on. My dreams have largely come true. I've gotten to be a mom to D, your dad is an amazing husband and dad, we have such a great life together and you will always be in my heart. But I also can't keep carrying this. Life is for the living. And yes, I'm sad about you. Extremely sad. But I can't keep being sad. There is too much in life to be happy about and I want to be a happy person. I know that in order to do that I need to make space to be sad about you, and I am, and have been. I have a necklace to honor you. I have a rock painted with your name on it (and the sisters that never came into our lives either) and ready to do something with your dad today where we can talk about what today might've been like, what you might've been like, what having another boy in our family would've been like, how you and D would've been together.

Ah, I miss you so much already. It's so not fair that you couldn't be here today. It's so not fair. I wish I could've held you. I really do. You mean so, so much to me. You are so incredibly loved. You'll be in my heart always.

Working Toward Re-Resolution

I just re-read my May 2 post and I can't believe how much I backtracked since then. I just didn't make the space to process and that's how I backslid. I forgot all those May 2nd feelings, all the work that got me there... but I also think that getting off my meds allowed me to feel again, and so I felt it. I felt it all.

And I got stressed and didn't have time for myself, for B, for me/us to process. And here I am, July 16, after having weekly sessions with my therapist again for at least the last month or so, and our conversation today was all the things I wrote on May 2nd.

Yes - NONE OF THIS IS EASY.

And I was back in dreamland with what ifs... well, the what if that can only be real to me is: what if someone said, I have a newborn to hand you right away, the parents have given up their rights and it's available to you. YES, then, yes, I would jump through hurdles to get that baby.

BUT that's not going to happen. It just isn't and even me thinking that it could, that it might is detrimental to me... because it puts me back in limbo-land, in anxiety-land, in possible depression-land.

I can't handle the anxiety-producing part-time job with no guarantees it would mean if we opened the door again. Adoption or surrogacy with donor egg, both of those are too risky, too anxiety producing and too much filled with no guaranteed outcome. (We had 5 embryos and two healthy surrogates and nothing to show for it).

So, I have to move on. I just have to. And unfortunately, it's not what I would have chosen. But it's what I have to choose now. For my sanity. For my mental health. For me. For my marriage. For my family.

I want us focused on us. Me on me, B and I on us, and the three of us on us.

We have a child. I think it would be different if I still weren't a mom. But I am. And I'm so grateful for that and am amazed by it still.

Of course it's sad that little A was almost in our grasp. That he would be coming into our lives about a month from now had everything gone smoothly.

But that didn't happen.

(And there's no guarantees that it would've been perfect once he was here too).

I'm doing a 5 year short journal prompt and the other day I got: ____________ is perfect.

I thought about it for a long time, all day, and then finally wrote, my life, my family is nearly perfect. And it really is.

And that's what I want to focus on - my amazing life and my nearly perfect family. 💗

Not by choice but it's a pretty amazing second option.

Milestones in Pregnancy Loss

I had to go back to counseling in June. I just wasn't making the space to process the pregnancy loss.

I thought I had already done so much to "move on" but it turns out that when you continue to not make time for processing, it builds up and that's what happened for me in June.

Therapy has been good... good to get it out and good to force myself to make space for it.

Turns out I got my necklace and that wasn't enough.

And I knew D's 3rd bday coming up would be hard for me, and I wanted to be able to show up for him in a way that was joyous and celebratory and honoring him rather than what it's reminding me of what we don't have.

BUT also making space for thinking of course him getting older is making me think that he'll be our only baby and that still makes me sad, and that he won't have a sibling and that makes me sad and that I never thought we'd be a family of 3 and I still haven't come to full acceptance with that.

I've taken time for myself - went to the VA hills at a cottage for some me time and went to a state park beach by myself for the day recently, and both of those things were restorative.

I've also been thinking of what else I can do to commemorate and "move on".

The next milestone is August 14 - the would've-been-due-date.

And I need to take the pressure off of that day for myself. No matter what I do that day, I'll still be sad after that day. It's not like marking it will lessen that.

But I also want to make sure I mark that day with something meaningful. I think I'm going to paint rocks with the baby's names on them and put them in the water. And hopefully B and I can spend that day together, just the two of us, with our feelings about that day, be near the water, maybe eat some crabs as we process.

Thank goodness for therapy. Thank goodness for a loving husband. And thank goodness for the ability to have options to mark these milestones.

I'm still working through it.

My Stats

I had been wondering about this the other day and want to make sure I capture it. It's really unreal when I see all I've/we've been through:

My Stats:

• 8 years
• 3 IUIs
• 1 tube removal
• 8 pregnancies/miscarriages (2 natural), 4 ectopic
• 9 egg retrievals (2 for the surrogacy)
• 7 transfers
• 6 negative cycles (5 from IVF, 1 from IUI)
• 1 cancelled cycle (leading follicle)
• 2 immunology cycle treatments out of country

Surrogacy:

• 4 years
• 3 miscarriages (1 at 14.5 weeks)
• 5 transfers
• 2 negative cycles

Total:

• 12 years 
• 11 miscarriages total between me and our surrogates
• 8 negative cycles

Commemoration

Turns out my resolution continues, it's not just a "I'm done, I'm resolved."

This week I did two things:

1. I finally decided to have a closure phone consult with our doctor.

We had sent him the results of the autopsy back in March when we got them. He called and expressed empathy and said he was around if we wanted to chat. At the time I thought what's the point.

But talking to him kept lingering in my mind and I finally decided that it could help to bring full closure.

I expected we'd have to wait weeks but turns out the pandemic has made doctors, or fertility doctors more available. So within 3 days we had the appt.

We talked to him yesterday and honestly, it just felt sad. It felt like it had re-opened a wound that I was closing. I got teary-eyed a bit after we got off the video call with him.

The main thing I wanted to know was - did just a bunch of random bad stuff happen to us? And what was the meaning of the last miscarriage.

He basically said that it was random - that the quality of my eggs had nothing to do with it. The quality of the egg has to do with implantation. And that this was a developmental abnormality that doesn't happen often but of the developmental abnormalities, this was the most common - the abdominal wall defect.

We brought up donor egg in a surrogate with him again, went over broad costs and likelihood of that working and it's interesting - it felt hopeful. And that's his job - to create hope when there isn't any or when it feels like there is very little. I felt like I was getting swept up in it again...

But then reality hit. We're in a pandemic, things would take longer. We're already in a lot of debt, this would just add to it. And the complicated-ness of sharing eggs or not and those costs. But mostly, I don't have the emotional stamina to continue. And he said, you can give yourself the ok to stop as well. You've earned that right. That was interesting.

And I go back to - if someone could just place a health baby in my arms, it would be no question. But it doesn't work that way, at least not for most people and not for us.

And we have D and he's amazing and I'm ready to get on with my life without this part-time hugely emotional job.

2. Commemoration.

I'd been thinking about how do I commemorate this last pregnancy - the one that made it to 14.5 weeks. Do I commemorate that one and not all the other loses I've had? Honestly, I don't even know what that number is - 11?

But I do think this one is different. I had already named him - A. Do I do something with his name? Put something on a wall? Plant something? What? What would seem appropriate and not too much? Something that would ease the pain and not add to it every time I saw it?

I love Li.sa Leon.ard designs. She's so creative and the ability to add a pearl to jewelry is the perfect gift to recognize an additional component without naming it.

We got L a necklace with her son's name and a pearl to signify that she carried D but he's not her family.

And I'd been thinking about getting something similar for K and for N - so I just ordered those up.

And then I was looking for me - I don't wear jewelry a lot and I didn't think I'd want something with D's name or initial on it so I decided on a necklace with his birth flower and a pearl to signify both A who didn't make it and that pearl can just signify all those that didn't come.

Here's what it will look like:

I'm excited to get it.

I'm looking forward to continuing to move forward while also honoring what's happened with our journey.

Resolution

Last week, as National Infertility Awareness Week was winding down, I started drafting a post in my head, then into face.book, and then kept going back to it for the next couple of days to add things and tweak things.

We're at the end of our journey. I've been resolved to it.

I almost wrote I resolved it, but it wasn't a truly active choice, it was very much by default. Unfortunately.

I didn't get the 3 kids I originally wanted. I didn't even get 2, after having 5 embryos left after D was born - after D finally came into our lives.

But it IS resolved. And it feels good in most ways, in many ways. Not the outcome. Not what we wanted. But to be DONE. To carry on without this constant side project going on. The one that takes so much out of me.

I also think Co.vid got me there more quickly than I might have. Whether it was going to be more fertility treatments via surrogacy and donor egg or adoption, those options would have had some significant delays and uncertainty that I don't think I could have handled on top of the already super uncertain aspects of them.

(Seriously, my heart goes out to those in waiting on both fertility treatments and adoption right now, I can't imagine having to wait any longer or having things be put on hold for unforeseen amounts of time. What always helped me was planning the next phase and I really don't know how people are handling not being able to do that right now).

We saw my parents last week for a physically distanced party on their front lawn and they asked how I was doing about it and I basically said that, that we decided we're done and while it's still not what I want/would want, I needed to take the active step to resolve this so that I don't have something hanging over me, so that I could be fully present.

Taking that active step was more of a force right now than staying in limbo-land continuing to hope.

It also goes to show that:

• Two things can be true at once - the wanting for something and the wanting it to end
• The pull of something is what will propel us even if reluctantly
• I would never have imagined that I would have gone through the first 9-10 years of treatment pursuing a child, and then 2-3 years of additional surrogacy plans pursuing a second child, and when people asked me 'how do you do it?', this is the only answer I have: I couldn't not do it; it's the pull that propelled me forward, fueled my continuance even when I had little energy to muster up for it

And to the question of why fertility treatments and/or surrogacy vs adoption all this time? YES. Why?? I questioned myself on that ALL THE TIME. 

Here's the thing - two things:

• Adoption seems like it's the cure-all, the easy option, the more valiant option - but all of those are myths AND it's more complicated that than - we had two people making the decision on this and it's not easy - there are all kinds of questions that crop up on this one that you need to make uncomfortable decisions about (international vs domestic, age of the child, open vs closed, etc, etc, etc) - we did our research, kept coming back to it and while we were right on the edge of pursuing it many times, it just didn't feel right for us, or rather fertility treatments and surrogacy felt more right for us
• The pull of one thing propelled us forward - it's almost like you can't explain it or you take in the 10 factors that you've weighed with this option vs that option and then you go with what you feel is right for you, the collective you, if that's what you are

And today, I'm passing on our baby things. That's huge. And also feels good, in a weird and sad sort of way. 

I'm all about de-cluttering so it feels good to clear things out in general. And I'm not getting rid of everything. I'll keep D's fave baby toys (some of them), I'll keep some of my fave outfits he had. But am I going to keep 20 fave outfits, 20 toys? No. I'd keep all his fave things if I thought another child was coming into this home to use but I need to move on. And I can still keep a few things that I'm not ready to let go of, that is part of D's past (yes, all 2 1/2 years of his past) so that I can reminisce. 

This has all been cathartic for me - writing the post, clearing my head of what we'll pass on as well as physically clearing the stuff.

(And I'm glad that the person we're passing stuff onto is a family member of a friend of a friend who we're helping as a result of this crisis. She was going to get hand me downs at a baby shower now cancelled and she's also lost her job so this will be extremely helpful which makes my heart glad. I also like that it will stay with our 'community'. AND I learned her name is one of the names we had been considering for a baby girl - my grandmother's name - so it's all just very meaningful).

I'm surprised a bit at how quickly I've gotten to this mental state, ready to move on, ready to come to a resolution (which by the way I finally truly understand why the National Infertility Association is named Re.solve). It's only been 2 months-ish since the miscarriage, but again, I think the pandemic moved that decision along more quickly than it might have. 

I've also taken active steps to reduce my meds which feels good as well. My goal is to get off of them as soon as safely and prudently possible mostly so that I can get my body back (though the irony of that is that I'm eating so much more right now, and giving myself the grace to do it and need it).

Resolution. 

Even if the decision came to me passively, I'm still actively resolving, and while not what I wanted, still feels good.

(So many caveats, so many this and this. Because it's not simple).

National Infertility Awareness Week FB Post

Here's what I wrote on my f.b page (and made public) last week. It meant a lot for me to write this all out. The whole journey - the stats, the emotional milestones, everything it encompassed.

This was cathartic:

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I want to bring light to the fact that 1 in 8 will struggle with infertility and you do not have to do it alone. And you don't realize how slowly the loneliness and despair can creep up on you, if you get to that point. Re.solve, the National Infertility Association, was so necessary for me - I found support groups, resources to share with family and friends when I couldn't find the words and a therapist who has been with me for 10 years. I encourage those of you facing this or know of someone who is facing it to use this resource and consider donating to it. It is invaluable.

Many of you know my story and have been with me to support me throughout it all:
-the quickly realizing I wasn't going to have a baby at the same time as my best friend even though we started family planning at the same time
-crying at a missed period right before a friend's wedding 6 months into 'trying to conceive'
-starting to chart to have 3 months worth of information to show to a doctor that you understand the timing ovulation
-feeling misunderstood when people they tell you to 'just relax' or that they got pregnant when they forgot about it all on a vacation
-letting doctors into the most private parts of our lives
-having the first appointment with an infertility specialist only to sit on the paperwork for 3 months because I couldn't understand it all
-finally getting on board and starting with IUI (intra-uterine  insemination) to have the second attempt end in an early miscarriage right at Thanksgiving
-the only time I’ve ever yelled at my husband was on the IUI medications and as soon as I started yelling I thought “who is this yelling at him?”
-taking the recommendation to have fibroid surgery and opting for the c-section cut so that I could wear a bikini without a scar, only to realize later that my weight has fluctuated so much that I never wore a bikini again
-getting pregnant again on our own twice within 6 months of each other after the surgery to have both times end in early miscarriage
-needing to take a 6 month break because it was too much
-not being on the same page with fertility treatments and adoption, starting marriage counseling
-finding an online blog community and making life-long friends
-taking the (what seemed at the time) HUGE plunge into IVF (and thank goodness we qualified for the shared risk program) only to have the first attempt end in an early miscarriage AND trip to the hospital from work one day because of abdominal pain which resulted in surgery to remove one of my fallopian tubes where the pregnancy was growing
-considering taking anti-depressants but not wanting to for fear of doing all I can to have a successful pregnancy (note: take the anti-depressants, a happier woman IS a healthier woman) (also hint: I started on them later and regretted not starting them sooner; no one should have to suffer that long)
-the year in which I did 4 transfers with negative results
-turning to listening exclusively to Christian radio because my soul needs it
-the Hopeful wall I created when I needed visual reminders of hope and to see how creative my family and friends got, and how those messages stayed up for a few years because that's how much longer it took
-how heartwarming it is when I’ve had to teach my best friend to not problem solve but to be empathetic with me, to let me vent or cry, to say "I know this is hard" and nothing else, and when I got to the point when I could just call her and say “I need you to come over so I can cry in your lap right now”
-the grace I've given to people to say the 'wrong' things
-when it got too difficult for me to go to church on Sunday mornings because I’d get too vulnerable and cry but I hung onto my Wednesday morning small group because I needed that spiritual place
-the perfect prayers my Pastor always seems to have
-not knowing whether a negative result is worse than an early miscarriage
-doing meditation, acupuncture, scaling work back to part-time, trying immunology treatments in Canada because the US bans it for fear of stem cell research, anything, anything, anything to make this work!!!
-wondering if I should change jobs because what if the next cycle works! (guess what - changing jobs each time I needed to was life-giving for me and my employers always understood what I was going through)
-the always having to plan only 2-3 months in advance for any type of travel because what if we were in another cycle, and the start of traveling on my own more because I needed that energy to fuel my next cycle
-the 3 IUIs, 2 surgeries, 8 egg retrievals, a cancelled cycle (leading follicle), 9 embryo transfers to me
-the devastation that it wasn't going to work for me to carry - that I had spent 7 years trying to make that happen
-going to a lawyer to talk about adoption and discovering she also does surrogacy law and realizing after a friend did surrogacy that that seemed to be what felt right for us as a couple
-researching and interviewing surrogacy agencies
-having friends from church, a friend of your brother's, your cousin and sister-in-law all want to be your surrogate
-the surprise bags left on my porch, the countless cards and messages I got from friends, some who were my best friends, some I didn't know that well but who had gone through it and were there for me in amazing, beautiful ways
-needing to get back on anti-depressants and adding in anti-anxiety meds during the surrogacy journey
-growing in my faith and my church family being there for me
-The 2 more years it took to decide on surrogacy, create and freeze embryos and get clearance for the process
-6 embryo transfers to surrogates
-8 miscarriages for me, 3 additional with our surrogates
-12 years total of this 'journey'
-1 extremely loving husband
-1 miracle son

L, one of my brother's best friends and an angel who offered to carry our baby out of the blue when she asked my brother how we were doing and he said 'not great'. N, my cousin who first offered and lives in FL when there was zika at the time and then offered again when we were on a sibling journey, and who had two early miscarriages with us. K, my sister-in-love, who did 3 cycles with us, carried a second baby for us to 14.5 weeks to then have to experience a miscarriage. C who was matched with us through an agency and while we weren't able to move forward, became my in-it-with-me surrogate throughout my remaining journey.

To my family and friends, I thank you for letting me share my pain with you and sounding like a broken record year after year, and for lifting me up when I needed it.

I don't have pictures of the countless needles I had to inject or many of the embryos transferred to me or our surrogates. I do have a video of Halong Bay in Vietnam that I used to watch during injections (because I'm a wimp) and I have the beautiful photos of our surrogates with the hope and love they held for us.

No one should ever have to go through this alone. I'm grateful for my community.

https://resolve.org/

 #infertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysupport #infertilityjourney #ttc #ivf #fet #fertilityjourney #fertilitytreatment #embryotransfer #niaw2020

Where Do We Go From Here?

Or rather where do I go from here...

I'm the one that is conflicted. B is grieving our loss but he's done.

Whereas I'm grieving but it's an open question to me on continuing to pursue a sibling for D.

My heart has kept tugging at me. I so badly want a sibling for D. And it's created inner conflict that feels super unsettling.

The question I've kept coming back to though is: why haven't I done anything about it??

It's perplexing. Usually I'm always all ready with Plan B and I get going on it. I was ready to do that within a week of losing the baby, the pregnancy. And then I knew we needed to allow time for grief.

Ok, so we've done that, at least a fair amount. In therapy two weeks ago, it felt extremely cathartic to have a big cry, a cry that lasted all session. A cry that continued when I told B about the letters I wrote to baby A and to our little D.

I had therapy again this past Friday and it was really illuminating. We didn't get to it until the end but I realized the reason I haven't done anything about it and the reason I could potentially get to a peaceful place about it all:

Pursuing a sibling for D would mean not just work, and not just emotional work but also the risk of potential loss. With adoption, it could be the family changing their minds and with donor egg with a surrogate, it could mean miscarriage.

Both of those options would likely have a positive result too, but as B said, if you had told us that the last 5 embryos wouldn't turn into babies and that 3 of them would be miscarriages, we wouldn't have believed it. We would've thought, and in fact, we DID think - this is bound to work.

So... I think I could live with: I did always want a sibling for D, my heart ached for it, but I couldn't go thorugh with the risk for continued potential loss.

And I know there are other benefits too:

• I wouldn't have a part-time job anymore (of pursuing another child)
• I could get off my meds and feel better physically (weight-wise, libido-wise)
• We could focus on D (even though we already do)
• We could have closure
• We could pay off our surrogacy debt even though it would be worthwhile to continue to be financially in the hole for another child

But none of the benefits on this list was making me feel settled UNTIL I got to the part about:

• We wouldn't risk future potential loss

Which is really what I think would be too painful.

I also talked to my good friend, A, who IS an only child and I never thought to ask her from her perspective what it's like - my most worrisome thing is having D not be alone in decision making for us later on. And she said she's got her spouse to help make those decisions. And not that it's a guarantee that D would have a partner, but he'd have friends, cousins and others he could bounce his thoughts off of. So that made me feel better.

She also said that growing up she loved being an only child. She liked having all the attention. And now having two girls, she knows that it's that much harder to save for two college educations, etc.

And I also realized that my negative thoughts around D being an only child all stem from my mom's experience. 

Growing up, she didn't have a great childhood and always said she wished she had had a sibling. And then when we moved far away, she felt guilty for leaving her mother "all alone". She emphasized to us that we were all my grandmother had. She encouraged us to call her often and write her letters.

The truth is we weren't all she had. She had 3-4 other sisters she was close with and lived near her. She had a niece who was in the hospital with her for 3 days before my mom could get there before my grandmother passed away. 

So all of this made me feel better that D being an only child doesn't necessarily have to equate bad, and in fact, there are lots of positives to it. 

And I do think I could come to place of peace about it. After all, I haven't made any steps forward and I'm unlikely to.

It's also made me understand my best friend, J, and how she had always wanted to adopt and after their 2nd child, I kept asking her and finally, years later she said, you know if a child just landed in our lives, we'd take it but I don't want to do the work to go and get it. 

And that's how I feel. In a heartbeat, I want and would take a baby if it were placed in my arms but I can't do the emotional work right now and I don't think I can withstand the risk of potential future loss. 

So for now, I'm enjoying it being the 3 of us. It's happy. It can feel peaceful (ha, I say that knowing it's peaceful in a way that includes all the loud happy moments and the tantrums!). And it's us.

xoxo

Dear A

Dear A,

I guess we hadn't settled on your name but I think I knew this is what I wanted it to be. Named after our grandmothers but the boy version. We were going to be a family of A, B, C, D. How cool is that.

I couldn't wait to hold you in August. I've pictured it so many times. I couldn't believe that you were going to get to be D's brother. I was hoping so much that even though you'd be 3 years apart, you'd grow to be close. I really wanted you two to have each other later in life. You know your daddy and I aren't young!

Why couldn't you be healthy? Why couldn't you make it? I just don't understand.

Your autopsy report came back stating that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly. Why? Why wasn't it?

How did we have this kind of bad luck?

You know it took 10 years to have your brother and then he worked right away with a surrogate, and then we tried 4 other times and it didn't work. And then you, you made it, you made it to a positive test, you made it to a heartbeat, you made it through genetic testing and into the second trimester.

I wasn't even expecting to see you the day we learned you didn't make it but Aunty K had an appt that I hadn't written down and she texted to see if I wanted to video in.

She knew the nurse and the nurse let me see you on the screen, your little head looked so cute. Man, I had been so guarded that first trimester... I had been guarded going into that last cycle. But here we were in the second trimester, on the other side and I was seeing your face, all my dreams were coming true. I had just told everyone at work the day before.

And I didn't even think anything of it when your heartbeat wasn't coming through on the monitor. The nurse made it seem like a technical difficulty and got a different machine out and that's when I saw your face. And I didn't know what was happening other than she was sending Aunty K to another room, I thought to get better images of you... for fun.

That's when I texted your dad a pic of your face and he said I didn't even know there was an appt today. And he said all good? and I gave a thumbs up.

Turns out it wasn't for fun. It was because there was a problem.

When she went to that other room, that's when they said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat. This is where it should be..... and then I didn't really hear much more.

I was in total shock. How was this possible? Was it a mistake? What?????

They already scheduled a D&C for K on that Friday. This was on a Tues. Tues, Feb 18. The day after President's Day. The day after I told my whole company that we were expecting another baby in August.

How is this happening!!!!

I called your dad and told him while I was crying and felt like I may have hyperventilated. I quickly got my stuff out of the office and went down the stairwell and cried some more. But it also just didn't seem real.

Even though I took almost a week off and did all kinds of self care, I still couldn't believe it.

K miscarried the night before her D&C. She said you fell on the bathroom floor and that she could fit you in the palm of her hand.

Oh, little A, why couldn't you make it?

I was going to be so curious as to what you looked like. Were you and Daniel going to look similar? Would you have different features... I pictured you both at the same elementary school together. I really couldn't wait to have you wear some of my fave baby clothes of D's.

How were you not able to make it to us? What are we supposed to learn from this? Why? Why? Why?

You would've loved your brother. He's so fun and funny. He giggles a lot. He loves music and loves to dance. He loooooooves books. And cars. And diggers. He loves being outside. He loves dogs and cats. He's friendly to people, especially bus drivers. He loves to cuddle with me in bed in the mornings.

How would you have been the same? What were you going to be like?

Oh, why can't we still get to meet you in August? I want that chance so badly. I really, really wanted to hold you and see you grow up. And see you and D interact.

I miss you so much. I miss what you could've been. I miss that I never got to be your mom outside K's womb.

And I'm mad. I'm mad that we went through all this work so have you vanish just like that.

It hurts so much. And I also have such a hard time letting it out. Maybe because our lives are so amazing and I am so grateful for what I have, and my guard wasn't down for too long and we've been through so much hurt with building our family that this feels familiar to me.

Yet, it's different because you had a heartbeat and you had a face and I had named you and you were going to be D's brother, and you were going to make all my dreams come true, and you would've been part of our amazing lives. And now you won't get to. And I'm sad about it. I wanted that chance and I won't get it.

It's my birthday today so I wanted to let you know how badly I wanted you, how much I already loved you and would've loved you, how sad I am that I won't get to see you or hold you and that I'll always wish you could've made it.

lots of love,
Maman
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear D

My dear little D,

You're 2, will be 3 this summer, and do you know we've been working to bring you a sibling since before you were even born?

We had 5 frozen embryos waiting to be your sibling and I knew how much time it would take that in April, I called our doctor and got an appt that May to talk about getting started again. He suggested we wait 6 months after you were born because adjusting to a new baby can be stressful and he recommended not adding surrogacy stress on top of it.

In August, I went away with Aunty N and Aunty P for Aunty P's girls weekend away before her wedding. During that weekend one of Aunty P's friends asked if we were going to do surrogacy again and we said we were going to contact the agency soon to get started again. That's when Aunty N said 'you know I'd do this for you guys'... and then started the year long journey with Aunty N who had two early miscarriages at 5 1/2 weeks each time.

We had lost 2 girls then. And we were sad.

And we also knew we had 3 more left and Aunty K stepped forward and said she wanted to carry a baby for us. Wow. So we started that year long journey with her. The next two were negative results and they were both the girl ones.

I was devastated. I guess I had always thought I'd have a girl. Knowing we had 4 girl embryos, the odds were in favor after you had worked right away. So I had pictured a girl for about 2 years... and we had the perfect names picked out for a girl after our grandmothers. But it wasn't meant to be. I had to do a lot of grieving after that second cycle with Aunty K.

And I did a lot of pre-grieving too. With 4 in a row not working I thought the chances are pretty low the last one will work. And we'll be happy being a family of 3.

But Aunty K was pregnant, and then they told us the numbers weren't rising appropriately (they were doubling but they wanted it higher than that). Then on Dec 23, I was dumfounded when we saw the heartbeat! And for the next month we were on pins and needles waiting for the genetic testing results to come back.

So finally at the beginning of Feb we were in the clear, into the second trimester, genetic testing behind us, we were feeling so great about your baby brother coming in August. You were going to be 3 years apart. And while we hadn't fully finalized a name, I had one picked out. He was going to be A, so we'd be ABCD altogether.

I kept thinking about what it would be like to hold him, and whether you'd be happy and jealous at the same time, and knowing I'd want to make separate special time for you. I was eager to have a baby again and not be as stressed about it as when I had you and had no idea what I was doing and felt badly when I couldn't calm you down.

I kept thinking that all my dreams were coming true. And I really meant it. I got over that I couldn't carry. You were in our lives and you were/are amazing. And I got over that I wasn't having a girl and I was thrilled to have another boy and looked forward to using all your old clothes on him again, and eager to see what it would be like to have two boys who would be brothers.

And then two weeks later, after I had announced it at work, I just happened to be available for an appt Aunty K was having and I didn't even think anything of it when they couldn't find the heartbeat and went to get another machine. I was so caught off guard when they made Aunty K go to another room with even bigger equipment and said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat.

I was in shock for probably a couple of weeks, even though I took time off for myself.

I couldn't believe this was coming to an end. That at 14.5 weeks of a pregnancy when I had just seen his face on the screen, he wasn't going to come into our lives. You wouldn't have him as a brother.

D, I want you to know that we really didn't want you to be an only child. That we wanted you to grow up with a sibling, to have that companionship both in your youth and into your adulthood. And we know there were no guarantees of what kind of relationship you might have but we wanted to do whatever we could to try, to try for you to have that.

And I know we still could. We could look into adoption or other ways. But we don't know that we have the emotional energy to keep going. We spent 10 years trying to have you, and I froze those embryos when I was almost 41. Today, I'm 45 and I just don't know that we can bring you a sibling in another way.

We love you so much and wish we could've done this for you.

We hope that you grow close to your cousins, to M and S who are closer in age to you, and to D and T, who are older. We hope you grow close to other family friends we have, C and N. And that you and A who have been best buddies since you were 2 months old continue to be good friends. And you'll make other friends that I hope can be there for you the way a sibling can.

Grandmaman was an only child and she said she always wished she had a sibling and that always stayed with me.

I really started our journey wanting 3 kids actually and when it was starting to look like having 1 was going to be challenging, I brought my expectations down to 2, and it turns out it's 1 for now. You. And you are more than we could've ever expected to have. You've made me a mom and you've made our dreams come true and you bring us so much joy. You are so fun and sweet and observant.

We love you so much
xoxo

Grief Stuck Inside

I've got all this grief I need to get out and it feels like it's hard for it to come out. Not sure why. Might be the anti-depressants make it hard to access my extreme feelings. Might be that I'm busy with a toddler or work. Might be that I back away from it if I get too close to it.

Turns out K didn't need the D&C that day a month ago. She miscarried in the bathroom and went for 3 check-ups afterwards, and then she still needed a D&C this past Monday. So for a month it was still ongoing for her, and for me.

I had online therapy on Friday to help get it out and that definitely helped. I cried within the first two mins and then kept crying for the whole time. She asked at the end what would I be afraid of if I got too close to the grief?

I don't know. That I'd break down. But I know I need to in order to move forward.

She suggested I write a letter to D about it since I'm sad he won't have a sibling, at least this way. And that's the other hard part too, is I don't know if we're done yet. I think we are but I can't say 100%.

And she also suggested I write a letter to my baby. My baby that didn't make it.

So here it goes...

Still Processing

K was having the D&C at 11am today.

I took the rest of the week off for self care.

Tues evening was nice, we took D out for ice cream which ended up being our dinner which felt perfect. I also took a nice long bath and went to sleep with am.bien that evening.

Wed, I woke up at 4:30am, went for a 4 mile run at 7am, worked out of a coffee shop in the morning, had therapy at 1pm and then watched one of my fave shows and tried to nap. I then took D out to a kitty cafe which took 2 busses to get to, which is fun bc he loves public transportation. Turns out there was an age requirement for the cafe so we went to dinner nearby and took a bus, the metro and another bus home, so transportation was our entertainment for the evening.

Thurs, I met my pastor for a 2 hour coffee with my running clothes on so I could go for a 6 mile run home. I took the best bath then went to get a pedi and went back to the kitty cafe by myself and bought myself new running pants, and then walked 2 miles home.

Today has been a relaxing morning with D and his friend while our nanny had a docs appt and I'm going to go ice skating this afternoon. And tomorrow we are going to go as a family to a trampoline park.

I feel like I'm doing all the restorative, refueling and self care things I need to do.

I've been texting with K, with family and friends and it's all felt good. I posted on my surrogacy moms group and on my church's joys and concerns page. I feel incredibly supported.

And I feel somber. This just sucks. I really wanted this sibling for D. I was enjoying starting to picture him.

And at the same time, I feel that I've been so guarded that it just feels like another checkmark on the miscarriage list. What is this one? 13? 10 for me, 2 for N and 1 for K?

I've been through a lot already. And I am a mom. I have D. And I have all the things to be grateful for in this world.

A few days ago I turned in a Lenten devotional I wrote about how when something hard hits again I hope that I can still turn to God and feel grateful. And on Tues evening, I had to remember my own words. And on my run Wed morning, I did just that. I said, why, God? and I also said, thank you, God.

We lost the baby

I can hardly believe it. I thought we had turned a corner with the genetic testing results and moving into the second trimester. I had just announced it at a company All Hands on Monday. I never expected this to happen.

Yesterday K had the first monthly check up and they couldn't find the heartbeat.

It seems unreal. I know I was having a hard time pivoting to the joy but I'm wondering now if there was a reason for that.

Apparently the baby was measuring normally so the heart stopped beating fairly recently. K is going to have a D&C (I can't imagine what that's like at 14.5 weeks) on Friday and they will do an autopsy. We thought we'd do that just in case it can glean anything for what D might have that hasn't been detected yet.

How does a fetus make it 14.5 weeks only to have this happen? We did genetic testing on the embryos and then on the fetus. I just don't get it.

And at the same time, I want to jump into adoption and tell someone to put a baby in my arms by August. We're so ready.

(And yet we're not. B definitely isn't and had me promise to not talk about it for two weeks. And logistically we'd need to move the way our rooms are configured to make it happen since D is not in a legal room right now. But anyway...)

I'm still just stunned. It's 5am and despite taking meds I can't sleep right now (I'll definitely nap this afternoon).

D won't have a biological sibling. His brother didn't make it.

And we'll be ok. Of course we will. But this isn't what we've been trying so hard for with him.

And how did he make it and the rest didn't? He was the first that worked right away and the 5 other embryos didn't. What a miracle that he did.

We came home early last night and took him out for ice cream for dinner. The best was when he got a big amount on his spoon and giggled really loudly as though surprised there could be that much ice cream on his spoon! It was super fun and just what we needed. (And then he threw up at the park, so fitting).

Where do we go from here? How do we process this?

I'm taking today off. I scheduled a 1pm therapy appt. I'm going to go for a run this morning. And I'm not going to work today and potentially the rest of the week. At least not in person. I don't want to interact with others.

D is such a miracle to us. We just wanted him to have a miracle sibling too.

We Are Having a Healthy Baby!!!

I can hardly believe it. We're having a healthy baby!!!

The genetic test results came in yesterday and they are normal.

Big breath, sigh of relief, tears from B. It really feels unreal. Surreal.

My dreams are coming true!!!!!

I knew it was irrational for me to have to wait for this test after our embryos had been PGS tested but I've just been through too much and just needed that extra validation.

(All of that plus seeing the video of the baby at 10 weeks and having this test happen so late was causing me such anxiety as to what would happen if something were to show up in the results... I've needed lots of klono.pin and am.bien these last couple of weeks).

But we're here now and holy moly, D is going to be a big brother!!!

Seriously, after all we've been through and after all the emotional work I did in the fall thinking that the last embryo would likely not work after 4 past failed attempts, I really can't believe we are here and having a baby around August 14.

It's hard to describe but pivoting from this isn't happening for us to it is happening for us is weird, an amazing weird, but still very weird.

Like I got used to thinking not everything happens for everyone and being super ok with that, knowing that B, D and I would have an amazing life together and that that was enough.

But now the universe is telling me ALL my dreams are coming true? That we will have a second biological child? That just seems like a HUGE amount of icing on the cake...

(Though my therapist would argue all of our dreams are NOT coming true - this is NOT the way we wanted our family planning to go, I've had to mourn the loss of not having a biological girl AND I had always wanted 3 kids).

But wow - having two biological kids.... AFTER everything we've been through???? That IS amazing. It's incredible. It IS all my dreams coming true. It feels like I won the lottery, like I'm on top of a mountain, like having so much sugar stuffed in my mouth, like love exploding from my heart, like I somehow don't deserve it when not everyone's dreams come true.

It's such a complicated feeling... that I am grateful to experience.

And I'm so ready for my therapy sessions to be about pivoting to the joy now.